Had a little bit of a breakdown last night.  BF & I were lying down in bed and he asked, “are you doing ok?”  I responded “I don’t know…”  Then he followed up with “Are you happy?”

 

How am I supposed to answer that?  What does he mean by “happy”?  I just told him earlier this week that I was going to start seeing a therapist again.  In my book that should make a question like “are you happy” absolutely Off Limits until further notice.

 

I confessed to him that I felt defective, that I wasn’t sure if I was able to truly connect with other people, and that I had no idea if that was normal or if we truly do all die alone despite our best efforts.

 

I know it’s hard for him because he’s never had any kind of depression himself, so he really has no idea where my feelings are coming from.  But it’s a legitimate question.  Is it even possible to connect with others in such a way that we do not feel alone?  And if so, is there something wrong with me because I can’t seem to connect in that way?  And if not, why do we all strive so hard to connect to others if it’s not possible?

 

After a few minutes of each of us not really hearing the other, I just started to sob a little.

 

A true sign, to me, that I made the right choice in contacting a therapist.

 

So go me!

 

I feel better today, of course.  Sleep almost always makes the bad feelings go away.  That’s why I do it so much.

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