Wow.  Trying to concentrate at work just one day after cutting off my meds is kind of like trying not to vomit when I’m sick.  Just not gonna happen.  It doesn’t help that the heating system is so fucked up in the office that we had to keep the windows open (high of 30 degrees F today, folks) so we didn’t faint from the heat.

The drive to work was OK.  I nearly almost cried toward the end of some little human interest piece on NPR but I managed to keep it down.  Like yesterday, though, I was plagued by chills and an inability to concentrate on complex tasks and a total breakdown of my normal ability to multitask, or have more than one idea in my head at once.  I felt physically ill most of the day —  sick-to-my-stomach ill — and I wonder if that’s common.  Feeling feverish, headaches, general confusion I expected, but not really the sick feeling.

The climate in the office was so disorienting I just wanted to go out to my car and sleep on my lunch break, but even with the sun peeking through the clouds it wasn’t warm enough to hang out in an unheated car.  Besides, I really wanted to warm up.  So I went driving around, thinking I might pick something up for lunch but not really having anything or any direction in mind.  With my diminished mental capacity at this time driving is probably not a very good idea, but I did it anyway.  Finally ended up at a Taco Bell and felt temporarily almost better after two bean & rice burritos.

The thing that is the most disorienting about the withdrawal symptoms is this feeling that’s very difficult to describe.  It’s kind of like a flash of numbness, only a split second in duration, but it strikes my face and chest probably 12-20 times a minute each minute of the day.  Combine that with the feverishness, the chills, the sour stomach and general inability to focus, and I’m thinking, maybe I should take a quarter of a pill or something…  But no!  I will have to go through this extraction from chemical dependency at one time or another, be it today, next Friday or next month.  And at this point I’ve already been through two days of it.  Why the hell would I put myself back on the drug if it only means I’ll have to go through this all over again?

And so here I am, off-balance but not quite freaking out.  I sincerely hope this doesn’t persist all week or I may have to reconsider.  A whole week of this would seriously suck.  I think I can handle a couple days, but after that it will be increasingly difficult to pretend “I’m fine” at work.  And I really don’t want to have to tell my employers about this little project of mine.  I feel like I have an edge at this job because no one knows my psychological history (past and/or present).  I’d kind of like to keep it that way.

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