So the whole “detox” thing is pretty much a wash.  When the withdrawal symptoms subsided I found myself very quickly overwhelmed by feelings of intense sadness & self-dislike, to a degree that I had not experienced for years.  One night I said some not-so-nice things to BF, then felt super crappy at having been such a jerk, cried a lot (like, hardcore), and I found myself thinking something I have not consciously thought since my last episode (I think) of Major Depression: I hate myself.  As soon as I felt that thought well up I realized I really needed some chemical assistance, so the next day I started back on 37.5mg twice a day.

I still feel like this sadness is just bubbling underneath the surface.  Like going off the meds allowed it to break through a lot of defenses and so, even though I’m taking antidepressants again, things aren’t the same.  I’m not as bright and engaged, just plain not as happy.  On the one hand I’m cursing myself for making the attempt to go drug-free in the first place.  But on the other hand, whatever this is, it’s probably related to stuff I need to deal with one way or another.

The thoughts that accompany and cause this feeling to cycle/spiral downwards are all too familiar.  Wanting to sleep all the time.  Feeling fat, bloated.  Unable to breathe properly, trying to, getting panicky when I can’t.  More easily irritable.  Craving sweets and junk food (which leads back to feeling fat).  Uninterested/unwilling to sit up straight (slouching).

I put my tennis shoes on today, hoping that will help keep me moving around.  At least it should be better than wandering around the house in socks or slippers.

I know that one way to start to break up the cycle is to do something.  There’s plenty of work I could be doing for Si.  I could iron my work clothes.  I could work on this week’s menu.  I hope my leeks haven’t gone bad.  I always get too much produce and end up having to throw things out.  Such a waste.  But that’s kind of off-topic, isn’t it.

Maybe I will try to get some of this stuff for Si done.

I think now is a time when it is important to be aware of my feelings and responses.  I’ll read some more Radical Acceptance and meditate later this afternoon.

I wish we lived somewhere that actually got warm, not just not-cold.  Being cold never helps my motivation.

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