Feeling sad this morning.  It started, I guess, after meditation, when I got online.  I’m not sure what sparked it, honestly.  A couple posts about dumb shit going on in government.  A message from my dad’s best friend about maybe retiring outside of the US.  Facebook.  A reply from one of my credit cards that they can’t lower my APR at this time — no specific reason given, and my pre-emptive query about what qualifications I need in order to facilitate such a change left unanswered.  20 bucks says it was an algorithm designed to look for keywords and spit out an automated response based on what it finds.  I mean, if you’re gonna make me call, just be honest and tell me up front; don’t pretend we can process this kind of request online if we can’t.  *shrug*

You know what I hate?  Those automated phone answering systems that make you talk to the machine to navigate to the right place.  I would much rather punch digits than talk to a fucking machine and have it tell me “I’m sorry, I didn’t get that” over and over again because what I really need is to talk to a customer service person.

I hate how impersonal everything is.  No, scratch that.  Sometimes I love it.  I love that I can process almost every thinkable bank transaction without having to talk to a teller or even park and enter the bank.  I love that I can check out my own groceries and not have to worry about smiling or saying “hello” to a disinterested cashier.  I hate when I’m in the self checkout and they ring up my vegetables for me from their little kiosk.  Dude, I’m in the self checkout.  I will find the proper code eventually, just let me be.

Maybe it’s just PMS.  5-6 days until the floodgates open, so I’m well within range to call it PMS.  But dammit, what’s the purpose of making my moods go crazy for a few days just because of that??  I’ve never understood it.  I know (or at least I’m pretty sure) that it has to do with hormones, but can’t we find a fix for it already?  I mean, half the population of the world has to deal with this on a monthly basis.  I bet they would make a killing on a drug that evened out our moods during this time.  And that’s where all the research money goes — into things that will net a big fat profit.


I also went to sleep feeling pretty sad, even almost got teary.  I was thinking about how we’ve got it so wrong.  How money is just tearing apart our psyches, how greed is destroying what makes us remarkable as humans.  And I don’t have an idea for a better way to do it — this society has developed over so many thousands of years that to think of some system that would work better would take more than just one depressed little girl waxing unhappy in an online journal.

All of the things that I have that make me physically comfortable I have because of money.  A place to live, plenty of food to eat, clothes, etc.  I have this computer because I paid money for it.  That money I earned doing work.  All my books, dishes, bedclothes.  Artwork.  All in exchange for money.  We live our lives, are trained to live our lives thirsting for more money.  When we don’t have any, or don’t have much, we want more because we can get more things, can improve our lives.  If we make a little bit more money we can move into a slightly better home, or eat better food, or wear nicer clothes.  At some point it seems to change.  It’s a point I’ve never come anywhere close to so I don’t know where it starts, but at some point money becomes a tool with which to make more money.  Buying new things to improve our lives becomes secondary to investing aggressively, seeking higher and higher returns.  But why does it matter??

I’m just going around in circles in my head.  Needless to say I don’t have high hopes that this will be a good or particularly productive day.