For the last two weeks I have been plotting against my boyfriend.

That’s what it feels like, at least.  See, after therapy a few weeks ago I realized I can not be happy in this relationship.  I keep wanting things that he can’t or won’t provide.  Or just doesn’t know (only sometimes true) that I want them.

I have had several (nonconsecutive) days of mild panic and anxiety because I knew what I had to do.  I knew I couldn’t pretend anymore.

I consulted all the people I felt I could consult.

I stopped ending my text messages to him with “<3” or “xoxox.”  I disengaged as much as I could without blatantly pushing him away.

I thought he had picked up on it, over the last two weeks.  I thought he saw me pulling back.  So when, after breakfast this morning, I said “I think I need to move out,” he didn’t flip out.  He didn’t stand stunned.  He just sighed and said “yeah.”

I have never been in this situation before.  This is my first relationship, my first sexual partner, my first cohabitation.  Dammit, I like the guy.  But I can’t love him.  Much as it hurts to break up, I can’t love him.  Not as we are now.

I kind of don’t want to be the one who changes my relationship status on FB.  I don’t want it to look like I’m in a hurry.

I want to be friends.  I think it might be possible down the road.  I hope so.  But I realize it’s stupid to try that immediately, when we’re still raw, when it still hurts to see each other.

I’m at my mom’s house for now.  When I told her what I was thinking of/planning she immediately offered her spare bedroom.  Mom has become something of a trusted friend to me these years since dad died.  I think we have helped each other.

I know I have tears just below the surface.  I went by the house to get some clothes and to see how he was doing and maybe talk about how we would go about moving out of the duplex where we’ve lived for the last 2 and 1/2 years.

I told him he could keep Annabel.  She was a Christmas present from him to me, but I know he loves her and I wouldn’t feel right keeping her if he wants her, which he said he does.

I feel bad because now he has to find someplace else to live.  This month’s rent is paid, so if we give notice at the end of the month he has through the end of July to find something.  Really that should be plenty of time.  I feel bad because I know he is hurting at least as much as I am.  I think he feels like it’s all his fault, which its not, even though I believed that myself at times.  There were so many things I could have done to make things better for us, too.  I hope he is able to think of that.  I hope he doesn’t just blame himself.

I have so much to feel, to do, to consider.

I am hoping to live with mom through the end of July.  I need to save money before moving on my own.  I also need to gather myself.  I need a chance to feel this pain.  *sigh*