I got a little short with my therapist last Thursday because it felt like she was pushing me to be less introverted, which is a little silly since introverted is what I am no matter how you slice it.  Working my way through last week’s Sunday NY Times (which, incidentally, was my last of the 12 weeks I got in the Groupon deal) on Saturday I read an opinion piece about shyness being an evolutionary trait — sometimes holding back really does keep us safe.  Interesting thought.  But the article also talked about how shyness and introversion are so often diagnosed as “Social Anxiety” (a disorder invented in the DSM III) and sufferers are medicated in order to keep those tendencies at bay.  And don’t get me wrong, my depression is significantly more manageable due to the 150mg Effexor I take each morning.  And because the depression isn’t as bad, my shyness is not quite as crippling as it used to be.  But to be honest I value my introversion.  I like to go out, hang out with friends, hear a concert every now and then.  But my week is soo much better if I get at least one day on the weekend to spend at home with very little company, running errands, beholden to none.  It was very affirming to see that opinion piece shortly after leaving therapy with that feeling of “is she trying to suggest that there is something wrong with being introverted?”

Figured I would track down the link for posterity’s sake.  It was: Is Shyness an Evolutionary Tactic? by Susan Cain.

All this being said, I did go out to the Double Door last night by myself to see a local band I enjoy.  When I got there the band hadn’t started yet so I did feel kind of awkward, wandering around by myself.  But once the band started playing it didn’t matter — in fact it was almost better to be alone, because there was no one trying to talk to me over the sound system.  I hate straining to hear, and I hate having to yell to be heard.  So it was just me and the band.  Awesome.  Of course when I tell Hannelore (my therapist) this next Thursday I’m sure she will be delighted.  I don’t think she realizes, though, that you can’t push me to do anything.  You can suggest it, and maybe a while later I’ll consider giving it a try, but it’s always going to be in my own time, on my own terms.  I’m just that stubborn.  But I recognize it and I know that if I’m patient and just think about it for a little while, I may grow comfortable with an idea and try it out.

Next on the list is the swimming lessons.  Since I’m not paying rent I don’t have to worry about needing that 80 bux to pay for vitals like groceries or utilities.  I just have to remember to make the call or drop by the Aquatic Center.  There’s a class starting the 11th or 18th I think; I’d like to get into that one if possible.

Anyway, it feels like I’m definitely on a positive track right now.  I even cleaned the kitchen while my mom is out of town!  I’m not holding my breath, because the cycle always bottoms out eventually, but for now I’m just gonna ride it.

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