I don’t even want to report on my food today.  But I will.

Mood: 4; generally positive. Just wish this day could have been divided into at least two different weekends.

Breakfast: Kashi GoLean w/ Silk unsweetened soymilk, hot tea

Lunch: late lunch at Pinky’s: Nature Boy, sweet tater fries and 3/5 of a pitcher of Bell’s Oberon. I forgot that I recently resolved not to buy alcohol at restaurants, bars, etc.

Snack: Soy “Shorty” at Central Coffee

Dinner:  glass of Syrah

Exercise: 3 hrs laboring under the sun at this month’s BIG Project

Self-Maintenance: Still haven’t finished the laundry from last week.  Did take a shower after the volunteer project.  Mostly out of necessity.

Motivation: SUCH a long involved day all I really wanted to do was go home.  But I stuck to my plans and visited with everyone I said I would visit with.  Being social shouldn’t feel like a chore — and it’s not, really, once I get there — but damn if it doesn’t all pile on at once.

Avoidance: See above.  Didn’t do any laundry, didn’t really watch what I was eating (*ahem* booze) but then I was rather busy.

Honesty: I think I did pretty well today.  Sometimes I don’t know when being “honest” might be more like being rude, so I don’t say anything.  Is that bad?  I don’t know, I go back and forth about it.  On the one hand, why the need to rock the boat if it’s of little to no consequence. On the other hand, no one will know how I feel if I don’t speak up.  ~.~

My day went like this: woke up, had breakfast about 9:00. Went to McAlpine Elementary for the BIG Project at 10:00 — was on the team that made the frames for new raised beds in their cute little courtyard. The other team cleared all the weeds out of the courtyard — it was seriously, woefully overgrown. Sad that no one tended it. It really is cute.  Anyway, after the frames were done, spent some time in the courtyard helping with the weeding, then digging some holes for the frames to rest in.  Had to stop due to minor exhaustion.

1:00, headed home, stopped by Ross to get some new underwear. I needed some anyway, but I also knew I didn’t have any clean undies and I desperately needed a shower.  2:00, got out of shower. Headed to B’s. We went downtown for the annual Bon Odori festival but found it was about the end.  Went to Pinky’s for a bite instead.  Chatted for a long while there, went back to her place briefly.

7:00pm, I’m afraid if I stop by the house I won’t want to leave again, so I head down Central and stop in for a delicious Soy Shorty.  8:00, reach L’s place and chill and watch a disc of 30 Rock.  11:30, head home, exhausted.  Lovely heat lightning in the sky, breezy, probably mid-70s.

Walking back to my car after 30 Rock at L’s, I tried to put my finger on what bugs me about 30 Rock.  It’s Liz Lemon.  I know it’s a comedy and she’s a caricature, but she comes so close sometimes to having redeeming qualities that her caricature-ness just grates at me.  It’s like a cynical man once said, “just when you start to think she’s responsible, she proves you wrong.”  I have to remind myself that she’s not supposed to be realistic, that it’s the absurdness, the selfishness, the dumb shit, that makes her so funny.

Also, driving home I caught myself nearly “settling” for one of my embarrassing bad habits — excusing it as something I “just do,” something Liz Lemon does constantly, after some monumental failure of an attempt to change or improve herself in some way.  Then I thought, what the fuck, m E. You’re not a caricature.  You’re not a two-dimensional sketch of a person. You don’t live your life in yeses and nos, black and white, up and down.  Your life is an enormous, frustrating (and overflowing with potential) gray area, and there’s no room for “well, that’s just the way I am.”

Despite all the setbacks, the frustration, the giving up, the shame, I am and always will be a work in progress, and I will continue to give myself the attention and care I require to keep the work alive.  My application may be uneven, halfhearted some days, misguided others, but I’ll be damned if I allow any clever floozy on a 22-minute comedy show to twist my sensibilities to the point that I give up on any of it.

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