Archive for August, 2011


When I got into my car during my lunch break today I was honestly astonished and pleased to hear that there would be a segment about dysthymia on NPR’s “Here and Now.” It is short, about 8 minutes, but just to hear the word on a nationally syndicated show was surprisingly heartening for me. Link is below:

The Debilitating Effect of Chronic, Mild Depression

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do as I say

I sent this text message earlier today to a friend who was having her own depressed day (txt-spelling in order to keep the length down to 320 characters):

 

U dont suck. U just feel
that way right now. We know
these feelings always fade. U
feel a lot of pain right now,
but remember this isn’t
“you”-if you have one
day like this every 2wks, say,
the sad u is 1/14 (only 7%!)
of your being. Let urself feel
the pain but dont believe 4 a
minute that it defines u<3

 

I would do well to take my own advice.

Fear, agitation, self-loathing. I keep tearing at my cuticles.  I forgot to pick up my prescription on Saturday and the pharmacy is closed on Sundays.  I had 1 capsule left.  So I chose not to take any today.  More important to keep it together on a work day.  Still it’s hard.  I think I was dipping into a more depressed phase anyway, but it’s definitely not been a good day.  All the old familiar feelings come back.  The hatred of the pills.  Resentment that I rely on them.

I am trying to remind myself that this is skewed, that I probably wouldn’t feel this way if I had taken my drugs.

I don’t mean to be a shut-in but I don’t know what else to do.  Got no friends.  Ugly, fat.  I know I’m not really either but I feel that way.  Double chin, yellow teeth.  Can’t breathe.

 

What am I supposed to do?  Almost 30 and I’m living with my mother.  Sure it’s only temporary but still.  What am I supposed to think of myself??  There’s no one to hate for it… I know you only did what you could.  You shouldn’t have had kids in the first place.

 

Just self-pitying now.  Don’t want to go to work in the morning.  Though when do I.

 

I want to tear off my skin and find a decent person underneath.  I want to be someone different.  Someone unreal.

 

I’m so tired of me.

self-improvement

in this echoing chasm
the tiniest creature murmurs
and mutters to itself
lessons, lessons
hunched downward
always on the move

blissfully intent
a tiny creature plunges
hands first
into the muddy slope
lesson, lesson
it must be here somewhere
in the dim of just-before-dawn

lunch break, 2011

(accidentally) drug-free

I forgot to take my Effexor this morning.  Normally I do ok without it if it’s only one day.  I start the day sleepier than normal and get a little agitated by the end of the day but otherwise it’s not too bad.  Today was kind of stressful, so the agitation set in early and didn’t go away.  I was relieved to get out of there when 5:00 rolled around.

Mood:  2; definitely fighting the demons today (med withdrawal will do that to a girl)

Breakfast:  a treat: medium half-dark roast/half-decaf from Central Coffee, one of their blueberry scones and fresh fruit/greek yogurt parfait.

Lunch: Roasted red pepper hummus with fresh broccoli & carrots, and an apple

Dinner:  margherita pizza. Shiraz mixed with iced tea (weird). Also poured a beer after dinner.

Exercise: n/a

Self-Maintenance:  Uh. None to speak of. Might shower later, hopefully brush my teeth.

Motivation: minimal at best

Avoidance: my desk is a mess

Honesty: tried to keep my trap shut because of the negativity I was feeling

Hum-drum

Mood:  3; started the morning grumpy due to lack of sleep. better in the afternoon. greasy hair makes me self-conscious so the not showering thing didn’t help. Having trouble coming to terms with the fact that it’s only Wednesday.

Breakfast:  Low on soymilk :(  So instead of cereal it was a slice of toast w/ PB and strawberry jelly, plus hot tea

Snack: about 1/4c-1/3c trail mix and a cup of coffee

Lunch: Roasted red pepper hummus with fresh broccoli & carrots, and an apple

Dinner: delicious summer pasta — fresh tomato, garlic, basil & olive oil over spaghetti; slice of garlic bread.

Exercise: Swimming lesson for 45min!
Self-Maintenance: too sleepy this morning to get up & take a shower. I did shower this evening tho.  Tried mom’s dandruff shampoo to see if it does anything for my weird oily dandruff.

Motivation: Last load of laundry still hanging over the back of my chair… already decided I’m too sleepy to attend to it tonight.

Avoidance: I don’t think I’ve crossed anything off my “To do” list at work the last few days. It’s been all too easy to get sidetracked lately due to other little projects cropping up.

Honesty: Can’t think of anything that came up today that might have involved this category…