Fear, agitation, self-loathing. I keep tearing at my cuticles.  I forgot to pick up my prescription on Saturday and the pharmacy is closed on Sundays.  I had 1 capsule left.  So I chose not to take any today.  More important to keep it together on a work day.  Still it’s hard.  I think I was dipping into a more depressed phase anyway, but it’s definitely not been a good day.  All the old familiar feelings come back.  The hatred of the pills.  Resentment that I rely on them.

I am trying to remind myself that this is skewed, that I probably wouldn’t feel this way if I had taken my drugs.

I don’t mean to be a shut-in but I don’t know what else to do.  Got no friends.  Ugly, fat.  I know I’m not really either but I feel that way.  Double chin, yellow teeth.  Can’t breathe.

 

What am I supposed to do?  Almost 30 and I’m living with my mother.  Sure it’s only temporary but still.  What am I supposed to think of myself??  There’s no one to hate for it… I know you only did what you could.  You shouldn’t have had kids in the first place.

 

Just self-pitying now.  Don’t want to go to work in the morning.  Though when do I.

 

I want to tear off my skin and find a decent person underneath.  I want to be someone different.  Someone unreal.

 

I’m so tired of me.

Advertisements