God, yesterday was so miserable.  This morning I felt like a completely different person.

But now I find myself up against a different wall.  Why is all this coming to the surface all at once??  Maybe I’m ready for it, and my subconscious knows it.  I really, really hope so.

I have some work that I agreed to take home over the weekend.  It’s a relatively small thing, just a 4-page mailer (front and back of one 11″ x 17″ sheet, folded in half) to promote some new products that will be available for one of our segments at the start of the new year.  I have a spreadsheet with the necessary data, I have my notes from the brief discussion I had with my boss about it, I took home some samples and the digital camera.  I just have to take a few pictures and throw it all together in a Publisher file.  I keep finding reasons why the conditions aren’t acceptable for working on it.  The light’s too low (admittedly true), the screen’s too bright.  Having a cat who wants to stand in front of the keyboard and butt his head against my hand when I’m trying to edit the pictures doesn’t help.

What gets me, though, is that the same feelings from yesterday have come creeping back while I have been struggling through the work.  It’s as though my defenses are pushing back.  Maybe I’m stretching a bit, but I feel like my subconscious had some silent alarm that went off when I tried to sit down and do Work at Home.  Home Work.  Homework.  The thing I stopped doing, period, when I was 11.  I wish I could better describe how clearly I can feel this analogy.  I wasn’t even thinking about it as “homework,” but my memory, my defense mechanisms weren’t fooled.  And they are pushing back with all these horrible feelings that just cripple me.  It’s the only weapon they have.  To steer me on a safe path. On the path I want.  Right?

Maybe 20 years ago.  These defenses are still in place, trying to steer me to a way of living that has no relevance in my life anymore.  They are screaming out, DON’T DO THIS!! as loud and as frantically as they can.  At one point I was almost on the verge of crying, that sense of loneliness was so overwhelming.  The feelings of rejection.  Everything that wrestled me to the ground yesterday was back, albeit in a lower dose.

It’s so strange to look at it in this way.  To feel it, as I am now, but also to observe it from a distance.  To observe it mindfully.  Knowing that this is not a real feeling, that it is only triggered by a mechanism in my psyche that’s been in place for 2 decades, does not make the sad and lonely feelings go away.  But it does help temper it.  My defenses are like a great snake, hissing, afraid, ready to strike.  I think I will sit mindfully for a few moments and try to be kind to it.  Just pushing back is no good.  I have to welcome it, invite it by the fire, pour it a cup of tea and serve it as a guest.  I can’t resent this part of me that is just trying to protect me in the only way it knows how.

I must love it.  And in loving it and accepting it for what it is, maybe we can work together to develop a new, more relevant function for those energies.

I exhale deeply.  This is huge for me.

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