Had a lovely night with SMF.  Things are still very informal but I am really just enjoying it.

I was pondering things on my lunch break a few days ago, something I often do if it is too cold/rainy to go out to my car and listen to the radio.  I take out my little notebook and just freeform journal for a few small pages.  This particular day I was picking apart a depressed-ish feeling I had experienced the day before, reminding myself to pay attention and be aware in those moments. I then moved on to examining the possible source(s) of said feeling.  The feeling is one I have fairly frequent encounters with.  I want some company or attention or something, but what I want is for someone to contact me.  Since that rarely happens when I’m in these moods, that feeling then intensifies.

What I realized is that this has been my MO probably since before I was cognizant.  At least from a very very early age.  And what did I use to do when I was a child? To get attention? Tantrums.

So here’s my hypothesis about that sad/lonely/listless feeling I’ve been getting for so long.  Since childhood, I have been passive-aggressive about getting attention.  (due in part to my being an introvert sandwiched between two vocal extroverts in the family)  When I didn’t get the attention I wanted (but no one else knew I wanted because I didn’t tell anyone, or know how to tell anyone), I expressed my frustration through temper tantrums that became rather famous in the family.  Now that I’m an adult and have outgrown the tantrums, I still have to contend with the feelings of frustration and neglect I’ve been experiencing all along due to this passive-aggressive behavior pattern.  So THERE is the source of that feeling.  I am pretty close to certain that I am right about this.  It just makes sense.  What I’m not sure of is what tack to take in order to change the cycle.  My tentative proposal is 1) be more proactive about socializing when I want to be social. Rather than waiting to be called, call someone. 2) Reach out even if it’s not to hang out. Send a text, write a nice e-mail to someone I care about. 3) occupy myself with active, creative and/or productive tasks/hobbies — less downtime may result in less need for someone else to amuse me.