I took the day off today in order to take care of some things best taken care of during regular business hours.  Most pressing of these is to go under the house and see if I can get the cats/kittens that are living there out, in a carrier, and to a shelter.  I really don’t want to take them to Animal Control because I know they euthanize, but the Humane Society is almost certainly full up.  I’m going to look up some other possible resources beforehand, just so I have an idea of what my options are.  I really don’t want to foster them myself. I’m hoping I can enlist the help of Friends of Feral Felines to catch the mom and get her fixed.

Of course, it’s rainy and cold out so I don’t feel very inclined to go out there and crawl under the house.  That’s almost beside the point though.  I woke up this morning thinking about SMF.  We talked a little bit about what “we” were last night — hung out, had a few beers, then went back to his place and had some really good (in my book) sex.  Afterwards he brought it up.  We’ve talked about it before, of course, and the understanding has been from very early on that he does not want a “relationship” relationship until after the divorce/custody stuff gets settled at the very earliest.  This is something I struggle with a little.  Part of what bothers me is that when he talked about his ex before, about how she got pregnant and they decided to get married, he said that he “loved her and knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.”  Of course that didn’t work out.  The way he described it last night was “she wanted something that would have made me unhappy & vice versa.”  Then he said “love wasn’t enough.”  Isn’t that the whole idea of romantic love though?  I dunno, I’m definitely a cynic when it comes to the whole concept of love.  I do believe in a general love, love of fellow man type thing.  But romantic love… I tend to think it’s just a myth.  A construct.  I think if you have that general love, sexual attraction (“chemistry”) and compatibility in personality & values, there’s the basis for a successful relationship or “Love.”  If what you want from a person and what they want from you are not compatible, it can’t be “Love.”  Does that make sense?

I guess I don’t understand how a person can go from “I love them” to “I wish they would die in a fire” (he didn’t actually say that; just an example).

I don’t want to delude myself into thinking I understand him better than I really do, or somehow tell myself a little fiction to make myself feel better in the moment.  But I’m sure this experience has scarred him.  How could it not?  Especially if he believed/believes in “Love.”  In that respect I feel fairly certain that he’s understandably leery about getting seriously involved with someone.

There’s also the fact that he and his ex “hooked up” only a few months before we started hanging out/sleeping together.

Jesus, the more I type, the worse this scenario sounds.  On the one hand, it has provided some good for me.  It has helped me to feel more attractive than I have ever felt before.  It has shown me that it is possible for me to “click” with someone, which I really didn’t believe.  It has given me an appreciation and enjoyment of sex that I couldn’t have imagined.

But he said it himself: “There are things I can’t or won’t be for you right now”; in other words, there’s no 100% boyfriend on the horizon. The question I have to wrestle with is, is it worth it to me to keep seeing him?  He said last night and has said before, if anyone else comes along I’m absolutely free to go.  For some people that might be a good thing.  My problem is (and I told him this before), when I’m with someone (as in seeing someone regularly), I can’t seem to see anyone else in that way.  I can’t think about anyone else in that way.  Because that person I’m with is the person I’m with.  Call it loyalty, whatever.  What it means in this situation is that if I want to keep seeing SMF, I have to be OK with the label-less uncertainty of a slightly-more-than-FWB relationship for an undetermined amount of time — who knows, after the divorce goes through and the custody mess is worked out, he could still  not want anything more concrete than that.  My other choice is just to cut it off entirely.  I don’t know if we could even be friends because the truth is I want him.  I think I would have to step away entirely until I got over that or worked through it or whatever.  Being around him without being able to sleep with him would probably suck.  A lot.

Maybe I’m just a sucker, or just desperate to make the most of this since the positives are so new and wonderful to me. But right now, at least, I can’t quite bring myself to think seriously about pulling away entirely.  Which means, based on the options I listed in the previous paragraph, I’m going to hang in there for a little longer.

I don’t want to be a burden to him, I don’t want to ask for too much and I don’t want to be insensitive to his situation.  I think having a friend, a cute girl he can cuddle with, kiss & fuck, might be helpful? In a way?  Because I care, and because I think he might allow himself to care if I hang around long enough, I want to stay and support him.  This is a conscious choice.  I know I am putting myself at risk of seriously hurting down the road.  I will have to continue to monitor the situation very, very closely and do my best to notice if I am really just wasting my time.

God, but I wish I had someone to talk to about this.  Therapy this Thursday.  It’s not the same, but it’s someone, at least.  Of course by then I may feel fine.

Onward, m E!  You have made your choice, for now.  Feel strong, because you are the only person who can make this choice for you, and you are the only person who can judge what is best for you.  I know you’re not 100% certain — you’re still feeling a bit raw.  It’s OK, love.  That’s right, m E.  After years and years of fighting with you, maligning you, even hating you, I’ve finally come to love you.  I care about you and, while I don’t want to see you hurt, I will support you in your decision and I will be there to help you if you fall or falter.  You are I and I am You, my dear.  We will take care of each other.

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