Archive for February, 2012


Another experiment…

Just got off the phone with SMF.  It was a pretty good, honest conversation I think.  We talked a little bit about the whole joke/insult thing, then ended up talking about this whatever-it-is we’re engaging in.  Acknowledged the weirdness of it.  We both admitted it was a little confusing and a little stressful and we’ve both thought about whether we should pull back to “just friends.”  Since the texts earlier today I felt like I’d be good to continue being FWB for at least a little while longer, but after talking for a while tonight it started to be clear that it was also causing him some trouble.  He said things like “I don’t want to say we should stop having sex…” — and I think I understand what he means by that.  It feels good, after all.  Why would we want to stop?  But he’s curious, and I am too, about whether we can successfully be just friends or whether we need or want the sex to sustain the bond.  So we have mutually agreed to try “an experiment” (his words) to see what happens.

I think this is actually kind of important.  Well, really important.  Because we kind of started off with sex, the real friend-making things kind of became secondary.  I like to think we can be friends for real.  I hope we can.  Especially if he’s okay scaling back the assholery without feeling like he has to walk on eggshells around me.  Like I told him, I don’t want to be a high-maintenance friend.  So anyway.  We’ll see.  Maybe we become great friends and decide that’s all we need or want from each other.  Maybe we become great friends and decide sex would make it even better.  Maybe we are just casual friends and that’s it.  Maybe one of us feels one way and the other feels another.  I feel like I should be writing this up like a 9th grade science lab experiment:

——-

Date:  February 10, 2012

Question:  Can SMF and m E cut out the physical/sexual part of their relationship and still remain friends & develop their friendship?

Materials:  SMF, m E

Hypothesis:  and here’s where I get stuck. it’s so hard to guess!

*ahem*

Hypothesis:  It might be strange at first not to cuddle or put our arms around each other, but ultimately I expect SMF and m E will both feel a lot less stress and be able to enjoy each other’s company more comfortably without the gravity of sexual tension weighing them down.

——-

Commence experiment!

 

unintended bonus: I can stop trimming my pubes again! freedom! *^-^*

I’m 95% sure I’m going to call off the sexual relationship with SMF.  I’ve given myself to/through this weekend to make up my mind.

I asked last night where his smartass-ness comes from and how long he thinks he’s been doing it.  He didn’t really have a good answer.  My whole thing about that is, he’s got this big serious personal thing going on (the divorce/custody mess) and I (and all his other friends I’m sure) try to be sympathetic and kind and comforting about it.  But when talking about anything else all I get is smart-ass responses and joking insults.  It’s strange because I seem to remember when we first hung out, those first couple of nights, he was kind of nice.  And when the big herpes scare happened he came over and gave me a big hug.  So I don’t know what to make of it.  In my experience sarcasm and smartassness spring up as defenses against already existing sarcasm and smartassness.

I don’t know, I’m just really confused right now.  It was a long, tiring night and I’ve been so tired and unmotivated all day.  Things at work are weird and I keep meaning to get my resume back up to date so I can start sending it out.

I really need to just sit with myself for a few moments I think.  Got about 10 minutes ’til I have to clock back in, so that’s what I think I’ll do.

:: Edit ::

After sitting for about 7 minutes I realized I was going about it all wrong.  If I do anything I need to first tell him how his remarks make me feel and ask him to tone it down a little.

So at first I sent him an fb message asking him to set aside some time this evening for us to talk for a bit.  But he texted and asked to know at least the subject that would be discussed (only fair).  I said “being nice.”  He responded “am I mistreating you?” at which point I explained my need for a little more kindness/less meanness.  And he was like, “I can do that.”  That simple.

Honestly I feel much better just having said it.

We may talk a bit this eve so I can maybe explain myself a bit more and hear his perspective.  But it seems like a good start.

Experiment in Outreach

I’ve just recently offered myself up as a “Buddy” for the local Herpes support group — basically, if there are new members who feel like they need a bit more hand holding than just the e-mail list and the social & support events, the admins ask for people to volunteer to be a “Buddy” to that person, to give them some one-on-one sympathy, support, whatever.  Knowing (and as it’s documented somewhat in late December posts) what a traumatic experience it was for me to come to grips with my H+ status, I want to do what I can to make it easier for others.  So I shot off an introductory e-mail to the new member this morning, we’ll see how this goes.

Evolution

I exchanged a few e-mails with V about the situation with SMF.  His whole history (as best I know it), my experience at the beginning and where we stand now.  Just looking for some perspective, words of wisdom, strength, something.  Her responses were so helpful to me.  Pragmatic but sensitive, she helped me step back from deep within the situation to examine the facts.  Ever since then I have felt so much less burdened by the whole thing.  I still think about him a great deal, but it is much more casual, not as weighted down by the unease and uncertainty, the desire for stability that I have felt previously (see the post before this one!).

I feel much more comfortably that we are friends. We are new friends, who really only became acquainted about 6 weeks ago.  It is not rational to expect that he will come to me with all his problems, lean on me the way I somehow hoped he would.  Would I do that with a friend whom I only met 6 weeks ago? Certainly not.  I would go to my oldest, closest and most trusted friends, which is what he is doing when it comes to the problems he is facing.  That is as it should be.

We are also physically attracted to each other.  We like to cuddle, make out and have sex when time allows.  It’s fun!

He’s now ramping up to start a child custody lawsuit against his ex — he requested equal custody, she counter-proposed 1.5 days per week for him.  I can only imagine the time and energy (not to mention $$) this process will demand from him.

It’s kind of good, now that I think about it, that things are the way they are.  It’s forcing us to take things slow, where I was so excited, so eager to jump headfirst into total commitment.  This way we can actually get to know each other, truly become good friends (if that’s what happens) before deciding to date or cohabitate or any of that mess.  It’s protecting us from my impulsive ass is what it’s doing.

So yay.  It feels so good to not feel shitty!