Archive for March, 2012


Limerence

My new favorite word.  Well, favorite might be a stretch.  But until now I had only the words “crush, obsess, infatuate” to describe my condition.  “Limerence” has much more of a ring to it.  And describes me to a tee.  I can look back on all the crushes I’ve ever had and see it.  Definitely a bit discomfiting to think that it could go on for years though.  It did take me an absurdly long time to get over Scuffin Guy.  And he was about the boringest guy I’d ever met!

On the same subject, I’m slowly dealing with my lingering SMF issues.  I’m not over it, but I’m going to some lengths to set the dial back.  I’m not going to pretend we didn’t have those two months of weird, undefined FWB-ness.  But I am making a point to set boundaries.  For myself and for my relations with him.  Apparently he’s started dating someone (I know, wtf right?), a friend of his.  Which is fine.  A little bit of a jab, a twinge of, “so when you said you didn’t want a relationship, you just meant with ME,” but you know, he’s gotta do what’s right for him.  And I will eventually be at peace with all this.  So nothing really to worry about.

It is nearly 2am.  I fully intended to be a bit more thoughtful and go on a bit more, but this will have to do.

Advertisements

Shower revelations

I finally admitted to myself while in the shower tonight that I have not completely come to terms with the business of SMF.

What I keep going back to is that I tried very hard to accommodate where he said he was… not wanting a defined relationship or whatever.  I didn’t ask for anything.  So when he has the nerve to say “I can tell we just wouldn’t work out for each other” I want to say, how the hell do you know??  You didn’t do a thing, did you.  You didn’t go out of your way on my account, you didn’t compromise anything — if that’s what you’re looking for, someone who will be exactly what you think you want and allow you to remain completely unchanged, an island unto yourself, then you’re absolutely right, it would never have worked out.

What bothers me so much about SMF is that, for all that he can muster pretty sentences when he chooses to, I feel like the whole time he really didn’t give a damn.  I know he was preoccupied with other things, but sunovabitch, even friends give a damn about each other.  As a fuckbuddy, I allowed myself to be less than a friend, less valuable, less than a person, less than equal.  And for that the blame lies with me as much as with him — he enabled it, allowed it, kept fucking me.  And of course it was fun when it happened.  But that last time, when it was just fucking, barely a “hello” —

I know this is a valuable experience and that I can only grow from it.  But the fact is that I hurt.  I hurt because I feel devalued, I feel used (whether I was or not), I feel like I let myself be used and devalued, lied to myself to keep it going.  And I feel like he lied, too, whether he intended to or not.  I’m still not satisfied with his answer — “why would you go out on a date with someone if you’re not interested in dating” — his response was that they were kind of different.  But what if?

I don’t know.  I feel like a fool, I really do.  And what galls me is that he has this smug way of talking to me — e-mailing, texting, whatever — that implies that he knows me, he knows what’s going on with me, what I’m struggling with.  You don’t know me, man.  And you certainly don’t have the right to treat me like you do.  Fuck.  Anger and hurt!  And fat and disgusting and when was the last time I brushed my teeth? Exercised?  Shame.  A bit of self-loathing slipped in.

Don’t tell me “it didn’t work out” — there never was any “it” and if you really think there was you don’t know the first thing about me.  And that’s a goddamn fact.

Making some peace

I had dinner with mom after work today and after talking with her I feel a little more comfortable with things.  I don’t like the way things are vis a vis male-female relations, but now I can at least understand where it comes from.

The way she described it, when she was of dating age men and women weren’t friends with each other.  If they were out somewhere together it was absolutely a date; there was no (or hardly ever) such thing as a girl and boy just hanging out as friends.  So now, we maintain that assumption that even just “hanging out” indicates hormonal interest of some kind, but now we at least have the freedom to set the parameters of any interaction however we want them to be.

I still would much rather feel at liberty to befriend male friends in exactly the same manner as I do female friends, but I am beginning to internalize the fact that I can’t do that just yet.  Maybe in another 40 years.

Crying

I am so frustrated about all this bullshit I’m sitting here crying.  And I don’t even know why!!  I’m just so goddamn ANGRY at all these stupid sons-o-bitches who think that “let’s hang out” is a sufficient invitation for a date.  Call me old-fashioned, but IT’S NOT.  I hate these stupid guessing games!  If people would just SAY what they GODDAMN MEAN rather than leaving others to infer, I wouldn’t feel like a freaking IDIOT every time I realize my new “friend” thinks we’re on a date.  FUCK YOU ALL.  I’m serious, I am so pissed off at this whole mess and all the fucking lemmings who follow along with it as though it’s not completely STUPID.

I mean, is it my fault for not knowing the secret code?  I was a freaking social inept until just a few years ago, but somehow was I supposed to pick up on it anyway??  Fucking christ.

headdesk

Okay, since that last post I have had YET ANOTHER of these encounters.  How, you might ask, since I only just decided on a method for avoiding this type of confusion?  Here’s the setup: There’s a guy on a forum I frequent whose world view differs so vastly from most of the other posters that I’m really not sure why he stays, except to troll.  That’s really what it seems like most of the time, trolling.  After a particularly frustrating exchange — usually I don’t engage him at all because it’s too aggravating and goes nowhere — I decided to try reaching out on a more human level.  I sent a PM saying look, we obviously see the world differently but I’ve been told that you’re actually a decent guy in real life.  I’d really like to see where you’re coming from.  Etc.  So he e-mails back and says, ok, if you really want to know, why don’t we grab lunch one day and we can talk.  We met for lunch on Saturday, and it went fine.  We didn’t go into anything weighty, just talked about very basic stuff like movies and hobbies.  It went fine, and he really was pretty ok to chat with.  So I thought okay, this wasn’t so bad, maybe we can hang out again and at that time start to talk about some of the weightier issues and have a real rational, civil discussion the likes of which he (and most of his opponents, frankly) is clearly incapable of on the forum.

Yesterday I got an e-mail from him asking me out to dinner and a movie.  While it wasn’t expressly posed as a Date, I know enough about these things to know that Dinner And A Movie = Date.  So I wrote back that I couldn’t do that but I’d love to grab a coffee or something on a strictly platonic basis.

What I want to say is, dude, you’re a troll. You are incapable of being anything other than an asshole online.  And I have all but said as much several times on the forum. What possessed you to imagine that I would have any interest whatsoever in going on a “Date” with you after only ONE encounter during which we spoke about only the most insubstantial topics AND you appeared to have very little interest in what my own interests and tastes are??  What the hell, man.

But this is apparently standard form.  It doesn’t matter how obviously not interested I must be, if I am willing to spend time one-on-one with a guy, I must be interested.  I am starting to get really sick of this shit.

Buzz buzz

Lots going on these days.  With regard to the previous entry, I sent an e-mail to V asking her opinion on the matter, and she replied thusly:

i think, sadly, in general, as we cruise on into the next decade of life especially (but really, this has pretty much been true since college times) that if a woman hangs out with a guy and one or both of them are not explicitly, explicitly gay (and even then there are misunderstandings!), then unless expressly stipulated otherwise, it’s fair to think of it as a ‘date’ in our society.

So.  I don’t know if that’s really the case or not, but it seems like a safe way to approach all future one-on-one encounters.

With regard to SMF (who is really no longer SMF but for the sake of consistency I will continue to refer to him as such), we’ve hung out a couple times as “just friends” and it is honestly a lot less stressful than it was when we were fucking.  In a series of e-mails we both admitted that we would probably not do very well as a romantic couple, but we could probably do smashingly as friends.  So there we are now.  It’s pretty cool.

I am doing a half-ass job (aka using craigslist) of looking for a different job.  I don’t dislike the job I have but the management stinks and it makes some days really stressful.  I’m not dead-set on finding something else, but if something else comes along and can pay me a decent wage, provide some benefits and is inside city limits I will probably jump at it.

I’ve finally taken the leap and filled out the enrollment application for the community college here in town.  I want to take some business classes and see where that takes me.  So now I need to schedule a day I can take off from work and go talk to the people at the school about financial aid, scheduling, etc.  I’m pretty terrified about this but I feel very strongly that this is my next move.  So here we go!

Seriously.  How do I manage to go on dates without realizing they are dates?!

I feel like I’m missing something, like maybe there’s this secret language people use where it sounds like normal English but the words mean “I’m attracted to you and I would like for us to go out on a date together.”  Heaven forbid anyone actually come out and say that!

This happened to me 3x in college, almost back-to-back: 3 different guys asked me out in such a casual way I didn’t realize that’s what they were saying. So after all that, when SMF invited me out for beers, I thought, aha, I will be smart and find out what this means before I agree to go.  And it turned out we were kind of on the same page, that it was not intended to be a date.  So I thought, “success!”  So then along comes NF, who friends me on fb – we have some mutual friends and are both on the atheist group’s fb page, so I assume some combination thereof is how he found me.  He comes out to one of the atheist social gatherings where I am greeting people at the door and greets me with a hug and proceeds to monopolize me for a while.  I guess I should have realized RIGHT THEN that I was probably the only reason he came out that night and that that most likely meant he’s interested in me.  Hindsight, eh.

I have to acknowledge here that probably a great deal of the problem is that I don’t want to have to deal with situations like that — how do you tell someone you’re not interested? — so I think I just pretend not to notice.  And then I wind up here going “what the faaahhhck, how did I not notice that??”  *sigh*

I like him, but I’m not physically or romantically attracted to him.  I’m not saying it couldn’t happen, but not now.  I tried to articulate that, leaving out the part about not being physically or romantically attracted to him, this evening.  We hung out and watched movies at his place and during a lull he brought it up.  “We’ve gone out a couple times… are we ‘dating’?”  At which point it smacked me in the face.  Ohhhh.  We were “going out?”  I thought we were “hanging out.”  Why didn’t I ask for clarification like I did with SMF???  It worked so nicely that time!!

Lessons for the future. @_@;;;;;