Feeling a little anxious today. Last night I told New Guy (hereafter referred to as NG) about my so-called suicide attempt back in 2003. I’d felt a little dishonest since the night I told him I was taking antidepressants and he asked if I’d ever had suicidal tendencies and I kind of evaded the question with some clever response like “well, I don’t know if I’d say tendencies per se…”
It never really occurred to me that a past suicide attempt could potentially drastically change the way a person thinks or feels about me, but when he asked that I suddenly got afraid and so I dodged. So last night I forced myself to confess.
I think it was good; he got to hear some of my history in the same way as I listened to some of his the last time we hung out. I was nervous and tried to emphasize that that me was part of a very distant past, that my focus was on positive outlook and attitude — “pragmatic optimism” was what I called it.
And he said it was good that we talked about it. I told him to feel free to ask me any questions he might come up with. By the time the converation finished (we basically walked through my life from college up to the present) it was late. He kissed me goodnight. I figure I’ll let him make the next move. I don’t know how big a bomb that really was, whether he’ll need additional processing time or what. Like I said, he seemed okay, but he was definitely still processing when I left.
So we’ll see.

We’ve been on a handful of dates, made out some, engaged in moderately explicit activities. We’re obviously into each other. We seem to be on a similar wavelength about a lot of things, about the world and society. I find his directness and unabashed honesty refreshing (I wish I could do that!). I think I would gladly take things further with him and I think he might feel similarly.
But as I said, we’ll have to see. Now that I’ve spilled the source of my anxiety onto the screen I think I can relax it a bit and do my job. And wait.

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