Archive for May, 2012


[5/22] So I had a phone conversation just now (lunch break) with a woman who was diagnosed with herpes in February.  I didn’t ask which kind she has; I assumed HSV-2.  She is completely devastated.  I mean I felt like crap and I still have moments when I just don’t want to think about it, but it’s torturing her in a way that I think only my depression has done.  And I realize, I don’t have it all that bad.  Not only do I have the more common form of the virus, I also don’t care about getting married and having children.  This woman is in her early 30s and does want to get married and have kids.  So even though she’s with someone all she can think about is how impossible it will be for her to have the life she wants because no one will want to be with her.

It’s things like this that make me want even more strongly to “come out” as it were and start working to destigmatize this disease.  People shouldn’t have to feel so hopeless and disgusting over a virus that is NOT life-threatening and really doesn’t even change our daily lives in any way.  Of course no one would CHOOSE to get infected.  But at the end of the day, it’s not that big of a deal.

And as I say this it makes me feel worse and worse about NG.  I still haven’t told him.  [5/23] In my mind this makes me a reprehensible person which is probably contributing not insignificantly to my recent (+/- 3 weeks) mood slump.  I told my therapist this yesterday and she didn’t totally berate me which was good.  But I haven’t told her that we have in fact been in contact with each other’s genitals.  So basically, that thing I swore I’d never do again?  I did it again.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I have seriously considered breaking up with him instead of telling him.  So here’s to me and my high moral standards. *sigh*  I’m trying not to give myself too much flack about it but it genuinely does upset me to discover that I’m so much of a coward.  Especially since I KNOW that it’s not that big of a deal and that odds are pretty good that he already has it.

And part of me is still rationalizing: If the general populace doesn’t equate cold sores with herpes and the virus I have is the cold sore virus I have just as much right to pretend I don’t have herpes as that 75% of the population has to pretend they don’t have herpes.  Except of course most people, I think, don’t even realize it is a form of herpes, so it’s considerably different from my situation, where I know damn well it’s herpes.  *misery*

edit

Okay, I felt kind of stupid yesterday afternoon.  I got home and got ready to take a shower.  I checked the pockets of my pants to make sure I didn’t leave anything in them before tossing them in the hamper.  Guess what?  My meds were still there from yesterday morning.  So maybe I’m not getting depressed, maybe I was just withdrawing a little.

*hope*

Booo, cycles

I think I’m getting depressed again.  I say that because I’ve been craving junk food more often and been more of a slob at home, not to mention I’m having more difficulty handling stress at work.

Withdrawal dreams

I had a lot of dreams last night/this morning featuring SMF. Or maybe it was one long dream. The details are, of course, hazy. There was moving some junk around from place to place (uncomfortable amount to carry in my arms but not enough that I couldn’t manage) — I think from mom’s house to mine or vice versa, but it all had the grubby, unkempt feel of Bentley Place before the carpet came up, some kind of party and/or wedding, a game of some kind involving cupcakes and glass marbles on a beach. All throughout my mood fluctuated erratically. I felt SMF kept trying to be all buddy-buddy and I just wanted some room, just wanted him and his friends to go away and leave me in peace for a while.

It’s most difficult for me to interpret dreams that feature people or scenarios that I still have conflicted feelings about in my conscious reality. After all, I do want SMF to leave me alone and stop behaving as though we’re buddies or something. I keep thinking, why did he feel compelled to text me when his GF sprang that breakup on him? Surely he has closer, better friends. Surely he could have texted his good male friend who also recently went through a breakup. Instead of me. So when feelings like that show up in my dreams too I have trouble determining whether I should take it on its face or whether it’s referring to something else and the familiar characters only showed up for impact.

I think to some extent these dreams might have been kind of fucked up mainly because I didn’t take any meds yesterday. I meant to pick up a refill on Saturday and irresponsibly opted not to. So yesterday and today and am sans medication, something I intend to remedy after work today. I have considered the possibility that I might not even make it through a full day of work but I’m hoping that the extended release drugs might be lingering enough to get me through to 5:00. That, plus some small amount of exercise this morning, a little meditation and doing the pauses as I’ve scheduled them will, hopefully, be enough. But we’ll see. It’s not even 9:30 yet.

So reading in to these particular dreams would probably not gain me much. If it’s mostly my body and brain reacting to the sudden lack of venlafaxine HCL, it won’t really reveal much about my actual state of mind. I do want to ask SMF about his texting me about the breakup, but at the same time it may not be a great idea to start that kind of conversation when I’m in danger of encountering some pretty severe withdrawal sometime today. So I’ll shelve that for now, save it for tomorrow or a couple days from now, when I’m back up to the normal levels.

I want to talk to my MD about weaning myself off the meds. Last time I tried unsupervised and it didn’t go so well. So when I go in for my annual in a few months I intend to bring it up and get her to send a new prescription so I can work down the dosage. Over a longer period this time.

quick blurb

I got a text this eve from SMF saying his recent GF (of a few months maybe?) dumped him.  And part of me’s like “suckahhh!”  I’m doing my best not to chastise myself about that feeling, either, because I think it’s a pretty natural response.  But I also know that it feels like shit so I do sympathize with him too.  No deep thoughts, just wanted to capture that reaction while it’s fresh.