I had a lot of dreams last night/this morning featuring SMF. Or maybe it was one long dream. The details are, of course, hazy. There was moving some junk around from place to place (uncomfortable amount to carry in my arms but not enough that I couldn’t manage) — I think from mom’s house to mine or vice versa, but it all had the grubby, unkempt feel of Bentley Place before the carpet came up, some kind of party and/or wedding, a game of some kind involving cupcakes and glass marbles on a beach. All throughout my mood fluctuated erratically. I felt SMF kept trying to be all buddy-buddy and I just wanted some room, just wanted him and his friends to go away and leave me in peace for a while.

It’s most difficult for me to interpret dreams that feature people or scenarios that I still have conflicted feelings about in my conscious reality. After all, I do want SMF to leave me alone and stop behaving as though we’re buddies or something. I keep thinking, why did he feel compelled to text me when his GF sprang that breakup on him? Surely he has closer, better friends. Surely he could have texted his good male friend who also recently went through a breakup. Instead of me. So when feelings like that show up in my dreams too I have trouble determining whether I should take it on its face or whether it’s referring to something else and the familiar characters only showed up for impact.

I think to some extent these dreams might have been kind of fucked up mainly because I didn’t take any meds yesterday. I meant to pick up a refill on Saturday and irresponsibly opted not to. So yesterday and today and am sans medication, something I intend to remedy after work today. I have considered the possibility that I might not even make it through a full day of work but I’m hoping that the extended release drugs might be lingering enough to get me through to 5:00. That, plus some small amount of exercise this morning, a little meditation and doing the pauses as I’ve scheduled them will, hopefully, be enough. But we’ll see. It’s not even 9:30 yet.

So reading in to these particular dreams would probably not gain me much. If it’s mostly my body and brain reacting to the sudden lack of venlafaxine HCL, it won’t really reveal much about my actual state of mind. I do want to ask SMF about his texting me about the breakup, but at the same time it may not be a great idea to start that kind of conversation when I’m in danger of encountering some pretty severe withdrawal sometime today. So I’ll shelve that for now, save it for tomorrow or a couple days from now, when I’m back up to the normal levels.

I want to talk to my MD about weaning myself off the meds. Last time I tried unsupervised and it didn’t go so well. So when I go in for my annual in a few months I intend to bring it up and get her to send a new prescription so I can work down the dosage. Over a longer period this time.

Advertisements