[5/22] So I had a phone conversation just now (lunch break) with a woman who was diagnosed with herpes in February.  I didn’t ask which kind she has; I assumed HSV-2.  She is completely devastated.  I mean I felt like crap and I still have moments when I just don’t want to think about it, but it’s torturing her in a way that I think only my depression has done.  And I realize, I don’t have it all that bad.  Not only do I have the more common form of the virus, I also don’t care about getting married and having children.  This woman is in her early 30s and does want to get married and have kids.  So even though she’s with someone all she can think about is how impossible it will be for her to have the life she wants because no one will want to be with her.

It’s things like this that make me want even more strongly to “come out” as it were and start working to destigmatize this disease.  People shouldn’t have to feel so hopeless and disgusting over a virus that is NOT life-threatening and really doesn’t even change our daily lives in any way.  Of course no one would CHOOSE to get infected.  But at the end of the day, it’s not that big of a deal.

And as I say this it makes me feel worse and worse about NG.  I still haven’t told him.  [5/23] In my mind this makes me a reprehensible person which is probably contributing not insignificantly to my recent (+/- 3 weeks) mood slump.  I told my therapist this yesterday and she didn’t totally berate me which was good.  But I haven’t told her that we have in fact been in contact with each other’s genitals.  So basically, that thing I swore I’d never do again?  I did it again.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I have seriously considered breaking up with him instead of telling him.  So here’s to me and my high moral standards. *sigh*  I’m trying not to give myself too much flack about it but it genuinely does upset me to discover that I’m so much of a coward.  Especially since I KNOW that it’s not that big of a deal and that odds are pretty good that he already has it.

And part of me is still rationalizing: If the general populace doesn’t equate cold sores with herpes and the virus I have is the cold sore virus I have just as much right to pretend I don’t have herpes as that 75% of the population has to pretend they don’t have herpes.  Except of course most people, I think, don’t even realize it is a form of herpes, so it’s considerably different from my situation, where I know damn well it’s herpes.  *misery*

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