Archive for June, 2012


addendum

I neglected to mention last night that I had forgotten to take my drugs the day before (Wednesday).  I took them as usual on Thursday and, which it was kind of a rough day, I kind of thought my body chemistry had reached equilibrium by late yesterday afternoon.  Since I’m feeling fine this morning I’m inclined to think that the whole mess last night was just more withdrawal/fucked up brain chemistry.

 

I freakin’ hate these drugs.

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Fumbling

I really don’t feel like writing at all but I realize this is the kind of thing that I’m actually supposed to be blogging about.  (that is, inasmuch as I’m “supposed” to be blogging about anything at all… it’s all me-driven, anyway)

One thing I hate more than anything else is being unable to pretend in public.  If I’m so miserable that I can’t even pretend to be ok for a couple hours, things are much, much worse than they’ve been in a while.

I went to a small gathering at my mom’s house this evening, went straight there after work.  My sister and her family are in town for a reunion of sorts (old friends, I believe) and mom was hosting the sister’s husband’s parents & brother & cousin so the sister & fam wouldn’t have to go out of their way to visit each subgroup individually.  So I said I’d drop in.  Okay.  After about an hour I’m pretty much ready to go.  I’ve figured out that I’m not going to get any one-on-one time with my sister or brother-in-law, there are kids running wild, yelling and slamming doors, my brother-in-law’s mother is too flaky to be believed and I can’t bring myself to give a damn about any of them.

But I can’t leave.  This is one of these fucked up things that is really hard to explain to anyone who isn’t me or my brain.  I didn’t have the energy, or maybe the courage, to speak up and make myself the center of attention just because I was leaving.  Especially because I haven’t been participating very enthusiastically in the conversation so I feel like I know they know that I’m fucked up, and I hate that more than just about anything else in the world.  I hate being surrounded by confident, successful, functional people when I’m struggling just to hold it together for those couple hours.  To bring attention to myself in such a situation is absolutely out of the question.  And yet staying is also misery.

But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I didn’t have enough chutzpah (sp?) or something to pull it together long enough to say, “Well, I’m going to get going now” and force the entire conversation to stop while the sister and brother-in-law wrest themselves from their seats to give their poor sister m E a hug before she heads off, not because of any particular bond they share but because she’s your sister and that’s what you do.

So I stayed until everyone left, almost broke down – okay, really did start to break down – in front of mom, had no words to explain it and got the hell out of there.  Paused once in the car to yell and sob for a bit.

Once home, I deleted my friends list and deactivated my facebook.  I think I look too much to facebook for some sense of connection to others even though I know I will not get that kind of fulfillment there.  Which frustrates and depresses me, and yet I keep going back.  So I figure if it’s deactivated, I’m much less likely to go back for more.

My eyes burn.  Time to brush teeth and go the hell to bed.

Downswing

I know that I’ve been headed in that direction over the last couple weeks, but it’s really been building since Wednesday.  I had one of those mini crying spells earlier today — not the good, cathartic kind, just the kind where my breathing gets all gaspy and the tears burn my eyes but I can’t sob like I need to get it out of my system.  Then, since I have learned that making food usually helps me feel a little better, I found a recipe for whole wheat crackers in one of my cookbooks and made them.  And I did feel a little better.  I think it’s the fact that 1) it forces me to focus on something and 2) it provides that instant gratification that I’ve always been a sucker for.  Maybe they’ll get better as they age, but the crackers really aren’t that great.  Not crisp enough.  I’m going to try a different recipe next time.

So Wednesday was an atheist meeting and I was moody, impatient and really unsympathetic to the guy running the meeting.  In my defense, he goes on and on about things that really have nothing to do with the group and even when they do have to do with the group he gives us all kinds of backstory and details that no one needs to know which makes the meetings run at least 50% longer than they should.  In short, brevity is just not his thing.  I felt bad about it but I was in too crummy a mood to stick around and try to explain my thoughts.  Besides, at his age you’d think he’d’ve figured out how to edit himself a bit, and since he hasn’t, I’m really not holding out much hope.

Saturday I went to this pay-what-you-can outdoor yoga class in the park.  I had never been before and I was a little anxious because I get anxious about shit like that.  But it looked like only 8 people had RSVP’d (including the instructor) so I thought I could handle it.  I got there a few minutes late (having to run by the ATM to get cash so I could actually pay-what-I-could) and they had already started and there were at least twice as many people as I had seen on the RSVP list.  I tried to explain to my mom how I felt when I saw that.  I was immediately consumed by social anxiety, fear, dread, unworthiness, I nearly broke down and cried right there.  But I did make myself keep going.  I “womaned up” so to speak, rolled out my mat and joined in, following along as best I could.  It was good, and I give myself credit for going ahead and doing it, and I intend to go back every Saturday insofar as my schedule allows it.  But I keep wondering about that feeling.  I guess I just haven’t forced myself out of my comfort zone in a long time, and I’ve been feeling fragile enough that it was a bigger deal than I ever imagined it would be.

I hope to get back to meditating in the mornings… maybe that will help keep me in better touch with whatever it is that’s going on within me right now.

Estimated recovery time

I don’t recall if I’ve discussed this much here.  Everyone remember SMF?  When we not-broke up, we had this long back-and-forth about whether we would be able to stay friends and to what degree.  My feeling was ultimately that there was no way I would feel comfortable discussing personal issues with him. I certainly didn’t want to talk about my depression or relationships or anything like that.  I wanted to scale things back to casual “Facebook friends” level, and if we continued to get along maybe we would become better friends.  That didn’t make sense to him; he wanted to continue the level of intimacy (conversation-wise) but just without the sex part, I guess.  Or I don’t know.

So periodically he’d e-mail me and just be like “hey, how’s everything, blah blah” which, I mean who sends e-mails anymore, really?  It just really weirded me out. I would respond with no intimate detail, nothing super involved, keeping my distance.  I suppose it would have been better if I never responded at all.  Anyway, just a couple weeks ago I finally said look: I don’t trust you. I don’t know why you keep trying to keep up this correspondence or whatever, but it confuses and frustrates me.  To which he responded something like “well if you want to go then go.”  So I said “ok, great” and made sure to Facebook un-friend him.  So now that’s over.  The long, unnecessarily drawn out saga of SMF.  I regret that we were apparently unable to find a compromise that worked for both of us, but in some ways this is probably the best route anyway.

What makes this relevant right now is the fact that I’m still thinking about it.  Still thinking about it when my sadness over ending things with NG are mostly faded (based on the math in the last post I still have through Wednesday if I need it).  But the thing is, if I only really completely “ended” things with SMF a couple weeks ago, and we started hanging out back in December, that’s 6 months of relationship compared to the 3 I had with NG.  It might be a little different since the business with SMF was a messy non-break up beginning back in January? February? and dragging on into June, whereas with NG there was a clean start/stop.  Still, based on the math, it could well be another week+ before I’ve completed my recovery from the SMF saga.

I just think it’s interesting that, even though we haven’t been “involved” for months, I’ve still been hanging on to the hurt and resentment.  I look forward to closing that chapter.  Lesson learned, clean breaks only.

Physical memory

It’s so strange how quickly I got used to NG.  We started dating mid-February; I broke up with him Saturday evening. So that’s just a little over 3 months.  I certainly didn’t feel as strongly about him as he did about me, but I still feel that twinge of grief at the separation.  It’s like when someone dies and for a while you can only remember the good things about them, the things you’ll never do together, the things you’ll never get to say because now they’re gone.  So I must have bonded with the man at least to some degree, because I do feel the absence now.

I have to remind myself that I felt so awkward around him much of the time.  That we couldn’t relate to each other on some pretty important things that I put under the general unbrella of ‘joviality.’  And at the same time I am trying to let myself feel the wistful regret, too.  Just because I am certain it was the best thing to do doesn’t mean I’m not vulnerable to a little sadness, too.  I hate that I hurt him.  I hate that it came as such a surprise.  With old BF it wasn’t easy, but at least he knew it was coming.  It wasn’t quite the shock it might have been.  This was so different.  Trying to explain why I suddenly felt we weren’t compatible (it wasn’t sudden, it just appeared that way to him) was excruciating.  For both of us, I’m sure.  A friend sent me a link to this video after the fact.  It’s weird: some guy (who’s apparently a fairly successful YA fiction author?) plays a European football video game while dishing out advice on how to break up with someone.  Interesting perspective, though.

I did the math.  It took me about 6 months (26 weeks) to get completely over my breakup with BF.  Our relationship lasted approximately 5 years (260 weeks).  So my recovery period equaled about 1/10th of the total length of the relationship.  Assuming the ratio is more or less the same, I should be through with this in 1.3 weeks or 9.1 days.  That puts me at about next Wednesday.  I don’t think it will take that long, but we’ll see.

Digestion

I could make a whole blog about my digestive issues, but it would probably get way more explicit than most people are comfortable hearing about.  Suffice it to say that I have suffered from chronic constipation since at least 8th grade.  I have never seen a picture of my intestines, but in my imagination they are always full, stretched out and nonfunctioning.  My digestive problems are fueled by the following (that I know of, to date): Depression, anxiety, stress.  Not drinking enough water.  Not getting enough physical activity on a regular basis.  I’m a vegetarian, so I eat lots of beans, whole grains and veggies, so I feel like I probably get enough fiber.  I’ve never measured it though, so who knows.

Lately I’ve been wondering more and more if this isn’t just constipation; maybe it’s IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome).  Or maybe IBS is just another one of those things they made up so people have a name for really unpleasant chronic digestive issues.  I dunno.  My stupid GP doctor only works 2 days a week so the earliest appointment I could get with her was July 2.  I keep meaning to find another doctor but since I typically only go once a year I tend to forget about it.

Kinda sucks that this is both caused by stress and causing me stress.  Vicious cycle, anyone?

business time

I think I need to go ahead and end it.

I just got back from a weekend getaway with NG and I am in a crummy mood.  So of course I drank some alcohol and had some ice cream and cookie dough (hint: not a good idea) as though that would be some kind of balm.  And it ain’t.  *sigh*

I don’t even know where to start with this guy.  Everything I have within me tells me that we are completely incompatible.  It’s not that there’s anything wrong with him; I just don’t feel I can be myself.  That alone should be enough to convince me, right?  But of course, rejecting someone isn’t exactly easy.  I’ve never been good at it.  And he just flew me up to New York for the weekend.  It’s not that I think that’s an acceptable reason to keep up the relationship; it’s just that it makes it that much harder so say, “thanks but no thanks.”  I did make a point to pay for all our meals, for whatever that’s worth.  I desperately wish V were online so I could get some perspective on this.

It’s so much easier to stay single, isn’t it.  Lawd if it isn’t.  I don’t think I’d mind having a boyfriend if we clicked a bit more.  I like NG’s seriousness but it’s just too severe.  I liked SMF’s smartassness but it was too severe.  Can I get a compromise, please?  :D  Seriously though, how do I do this?  Let some time pass?  Call him now?  Send a package with a dead rat in it?  Voodoo doll??  sigh.

There is one conversation I’d like to have with him beforehand.  Maybe I can articulate a little here before I fall over my feet trying to do it for real.  One thing that came up over the weekend was our stance on the death penalty.  I’m (as I put it) “violently opposed” to it; he’s comfortable with it in general.  That in and of itself wasn’t any great surprise to me.  I know I am apart from the mainstream as far as my staunch pacifism goes; I believe most people in this country are probably comfortable with the death penalty.  What really threw me off was how confidently he defended himself.  A little background on this guy: he rarely avers anything.  You could ask him his birthdate and he might waffle on it.  That’s an exaggeration, but only slightly.  Trying to get the man to say what he wants is one of the more frustrating experiences I’ve had this year.  So when he participated in this conversation with no apparent uncertainty, I was truly taken aback.  If that is the thing he feels strongly enough about to speak on it with such conviction, what am I supposed to think?  How am I supposed to respond?  I guess I just want to know: why?  Why can he be so confident about that and not about anything else, practically?

I have to do this this week.