I think I need to go ahead and end it.

I just got back from a weekend getaway with NG and I am in a crummy mood.  So of course I drank some alcohol and had some ice cream and cookie dough (hint: not a good idea) as though that would be some kind of balm.  And it ain’t.  *sigh*

I don’t even know where to start with this guy.  Everything I have within me tells me that we are completely incompatible.  It’s not that there’s anything wrong with him; I just don’t feel I can be myself.  That alone should be enough to convince me, right?  But of course, rejecting someone isn’t exactly easy.  I’ve never been good at it.  And he just flew me up to New York for the weekend.  It’s not that I think that’s an acceptable reason to keep up the relationship; it’s just that it makes it that much harder so say, “thanks but no thanks.”  I did make a point to pay for all our meals, for whatever that’s worth.  I desperately wish V were online so I could get some perspective on this.

It’s so much easier to stay single, isn’t it.  Lawd if it isn’t.  I don’t think I’d mind having a boyfriend if we clicked a bit more.  I like NG’s seriousness but it’s just too severe.  I liked SMF’s smartassness but it was too severe.  Can I get a compromise, please?  :D  Seriously though, how do I do this?  Let some time pass?  Call him now?  Send a package with a dead rat in it?  Voodoo doll??  sigh.

There is one conversation I’d like to have with him beforehand.  Maybe I can articulate a little here before I fall over my feet trying to do it for real.  One thing that came up over the weekend was our stance on the death penalty.  I’m (as I put it) “violently opposed” to it; he’s comfortable with it in general.  That in and of itself wasn’t any great surprise to me.  I know I am apart from the mainstream as far as my staunch pacifism goes; I believe most people in this country are probably comfortable with the death penalty.  What really threw me off was how confidently he defended himself.  A little background on this guy: he rarely avers anything.  You could ask him his birthdate and he might waffle on it.  That’s an exaggeration, but only slightly.  Trying to get the man to say what he wants is one of the more frustrating experiences I’ve had this year.  So when he participated in this conversation with no apparent uncertainty, I was truly taken aback.  If that is the thing he feels strongly enough about to speak on it with such conviction, what am I supposed to think?  How am I supposed to respond?  I guess I just want to know: why?  Why can he be so confident about that and not about anything else, practically?

I have to do this this week.

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