I really don’t feel like writing at all but I realize this is the kind of thing that I’m actually supposed to be blogging about.  (that is, inasmuch as I’m “supposed” to be blogging about anything at all… it’s all me-driven, anyway)

One thing I hate more than anything else is being unable to pretend in public.  If I’m so miserable that I can’t even pretend to be ok for a couple hours, things are much, much worse than they’ve been in a while.

I went to a small gathering at my mom’s house this evening, went straight there after work.  My sister and her family are in town for a reunion of sorts (old friends, I believe) and mom was hosting the sister’s husband’s parents & brother & cousin so the sister & fam wouldn’t have to go out of their way to visit each subgroup individually.  So I said I’d drop in.  Okay.  After about an hour I’m pretty much ready to go.  I’ve figured out that I’m not going to get any one-on-one time with my sister or brother-in-law, there are kids running wild, yelling and slamming doors, my brother-in-law’s mother is too flaky to be believed and I can’t bring myself to give a damn about any of them.

But I can’t leave.  This is one of these fucked up things that is really hard to explain to anyone who isn’t me or my brain.  I didn’t have the energy, or maybe the courage, to speak up and make myself the center of attention just because I was leaving.  Especially because I haven’t been participating very enthusiastically in the conversation so I feel like I know they know that I’m fucked up, and I hate that more than just about anything else in the world.  I hate being surrounded by confident, successful, functional people when I’m struggling just to hold it together for those couple hours.  To bring attention to myself in such a situation is absolutely out of the question.  And yet staying is also misery.

But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I didn’t have enough chutzpah (sp?) or something to pull it together long enough to say, “Well, I’m going to get going now” and force the entire conversation to stop while the sister and brother-in-law wrest themselves from their seats to give their poor sister m E a hug before she heads off, not because of any particular bond they share but because she’s your sister and that’s what you do.

So I stayed until everyone left, almost broke down – okay, really did start to break down – in front of mom, had no words to explain it and got the hell out of there.  Paused once in the car to yell and sob for a bit.

Once home, I deleted my friends list and deactivated my facebook.  I think I look too much to facebook for some sense of connection to others even though I know I will not get that kind of fulfillment there.  Which frustrates and depresses me, and yet I keep going back.  So I figure if it’s deactivated, I’m much less likely to go back for more.

My eyes burn.  Time to brush teeth and go the hell to bed.

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