Today has been much better. Yesterday I almost literally spent the whole day lying on the couch or in bed. And yet I would still call this only a “moderate” depressive episode, not Major. I wasn’t feeling stellar to begin with. One of the cats kept waking me up in the early morning hours jumping from the bed to the mantle and back and whining to be fed. I got out of bed fairly early, made some breakfast and got ready to go to the Red Cross to donate blood — the atheist group was sponsoring that day. Listening to “Wait Wait, Don’t Tell Me” in the car on the way got some laughs out of me, but I was still very anxious and depressed. They do a finger stick to determine whether your hemoglobin count is high enough to donate. Mine wasn’t. The nurse/lady said they need at least 12.5 and I was only 12.1. But 12.1 is within the range of average for women. It’s on the low end, but it’s still considered normal. Apparently I need superblood to be able to donate. I know she wasn’t doing anything on purpose but her delivery had me feeling like something was wrong with me, like I was defective, a failed vegan because I couldn’t get my hemoglobin up high enough to donate blood. I realize this is absurd, but at the time I felt terrible about it. Like I wasn’t even good enough to donate blood.
So I drove home and proceeded to spend the rest of the day on the couch and/or bed. Basically, I felt like shit if I stood up and was basically just wandering around the house not doing anything. When I was lying down I didn’t feel so bad. I didn’t feel great, but not miserable like when I was standing, wandering, unable or unwilling to motivate myself to actually do anything. So I decided, m E, if this is what you need to do right now, that’s fine. It’s not something I would want to repeat regularly, but if that’s what I needed yesterday, okay. I closed out the night with a couple episodes of Carl Sagan’s “Cosmos” and then the documentary “Buck,” which was beautiful and everyone should watch it.
Today began at about 9am. I rolled out of bed and picked up and put away all the shoes I had left lying around for the last couple of weeks. That’s a pretty good sign that I will be at least moderately productive. Or at least moderately not depressed.
I put the clean dishes away, had breakfast, then decided I needed to decide how to use the food in the fridge. There are a bunch of leftovers and some base ingredients that I didn’t really have a plan for. I made my list of what to do with everything, what I needed to get at the grocery store, then made berry-peach crisp using the blueberries and grilled peaches I had leftover from Independence Day. Picked up a bunch of pots for my philodendrons and finally got a box fan for the bedroom. Repotted all the houseplants — hopefully they won’t die. The philodendrons will be fine, I’m just not sure about the spider plant mom gave me. It looks a little sad. Oh, also made some carrot-spice bars from Fatfree Vegan to take to work tomorrow.
I went to Zen Meditation this evening. All the bowing kind of weirds me out; not sure if I will go back. I love the atmosphere, the absolute still of a room full of people meditating, but I hate the ceremony attached to it. Wish we could just come in and freakin’ meditate without all the suggestion of worship. When I have my teahouse I will have a space for people to come and do that.