I had an interesting experience yesterday with NM.  We met at a movie theatre to catch a crazy Japanese movie the film society was screening.  I think he moved to embrace me, but I must have pulled back a little or something.  I think I just slipped into my standard flippant self-protective persona.  In the movie we hardly touched the whole time.  We both enjoyed the movie thoroughly.  After, we chatted briefly outside, and as we moved to go our separate ways, embraced in a friendly way.  I thought, he’s not gonna kiss me.  What’s up with that?  Completely not realizing that it was probably my behavior at the start of the evening that made him think maybe I didn’t want to go that route anymore.  But I’d sort of been looking forward to kissing him for most of the day.  So I couldn’t let him get away without it, or ay least without trying.  Rejection be damned.  So I said, “can I kiss you before you go?”  And he replied “yeah! I didn’t think you wanted to.”  So we shared a nice series of kisses before parting.

It wasn’t until I was driving home that I began to process the course of the evening and realize that I may well have given that impression when we first arrived.

It’s a lack of awareness that caused me to lapse into my non-present self-protective mode.  He’s coming over tomorrow eve to hang out and carve pumpkins.  I am determined to be more aware, more present and more emotive — I think it’s only fair.  I realize I’ve spent most of my conscious life trying to hide what I was feeling, ashamed of my feelings, afraid of being ridiculed or taken advantage of.  It will take some effort for me to share my true, honest feelings, impulses and inclinations.  But it will be good for me.  This guy’s pretty cool.  One thing I like about him is his apparent unselfconsciousness.  It sort of helps me feel how absurd my own self-concsiousness is.

Anyway.  That’s all I got for now.

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