First big depressive breakdown I’ve had in… quite a while, I think.  I’m sure I didn’t think to chronicle them all here or I’d go back and check.  But I can’t remember the last time I cried so hard or gnashed my teeth so much, straining to burst out of myself because being myself felt so unbearable.

I know I’ve been in kind of a dip lately, the last month or so I’d say.  But this is something of a troubling development.  It makes me afraid to trust myself, afraid to trust any progress I might have made or might make down the road.  Because what if it all culminates in another degrading fit of wailing, simultaneous self-pity and self-loathing.

I should have trusted my judgement and just gone home when I initially thought of it.  But this frame of mind isn’t really conducive to good choices.  I guess I was already too far gone, I don’t know.

But in the interest of getting back on the horse, so to speak, I am going to start making myself meditate again.  As with most things, my meditation has kind of petered out, and so any chance I might have had for real awareness of what was going on in my mind was probably minimized to the point of impossibility.

I do feel sorry for myself.

But as I awoke this day feeling at least moderately refreshed I find myself believing that I can probably survive another day, another week, another year.  I just have to take it at my own pace, pay attention to what my mind and body are saying and Do. Not. Overdo it.

Must not be disheartened.  Must have hope.  Must move forward.

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