Archive for February, 2013


I first had an inkling that I might have at least some things in common with Attention Deficit Disorder back when I was languishing in college, spending pretty much all my spare time reading yaoi fanfic.  In one of these stories, one of the characters makes some observations upon visiting another’s house for the first time, indicating that some “classic signs of ADD” were exhibited.  I think it was something like multiple activities apparent all over the place, or something like that.  Anyway.  I don’t think I gave it too much thought for a long time after that.

The idea would creep back into the very corners of my consciousness every now and then, more so over the last 6 months.  Talking with my therapist last week I happened to mention it (actually I think she kind of guided me there), and since then I’ve been looking up websites and asking others I know who have it.

Looking at a website just now I suddenly had this shivering revelation.. if I do have ADD, if I’ve had it all this time, since I was a kid.. That’s my entire world thrown upside-down.

I can’t emphasize that feeling enough.  One of the things I keep coming back to in therapy is, what if it’s not depression keeping me from getting things done, what if I really am just lazy?

And from everything I’ve read, that’s a common feeling among people with ADD.  If my doctor agrees with me and decides to diagnose me with ADD and I try one of the standard medications and it works… then I finally, finally have my answer to that question, that fear that’s dogged me all my life.

If I have ADD, then I’ll know I’m really not lazy.

For someone who has spent her whole life believing she is just too lazy to do homework, chores, housekeeping… too lazy to be a worthwhile human being, basically… it’s just terrifyingly huge.


Kinda creeped out

I went to this meetup for Depression & Anxiety.. just a bunch of people facing similar issues, talking about that and just chatting casually. I went because I realized I might benefit from the tangible reminder that I’m not the only one dealing with this stuff.
There was a woman there who I’d met previously at a different meetup, a Zen meditation group. We had exchanged a few emails about Buddhism and philosophy in general, and then as usual I kind of lost interest in emailing, or got bored with the conversation or something. We weren’t bosom buddies or anything after only a few emails, so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
So when I got up to take my leave at this meetup today she says, hey can I talk to you? To which I replied “uh… ok?” We moved off to a different part of the coffee shop and I gotta say, this woman kind of weirded me out. I got a very weird vibe from her. I get the impression that she felt offended or hurt that I had stopped emailing her (this would have been about a year+ ago), though she didn’t come right out and say that. I’m not sure what she was trying to say, exactly, but she rambled a lot about what she and her husband had been up to since they moved here — assuming that I cared? I guess? — and asking me about my goals in life and weird stuff like that. At one point in the conversation when I indicated that I wasn’t very close to any of my siblings, but that I was ok with that, she had the temerity to suggest that “there might be something there,” as though she could have any idea what went on in my family or had any right whatsover to make wild conjectures like that. Not to mention the fact that I stood there talking with her for at least an hour, long after I was more than ready to go home and have some Me time, thinking she might have a point to get to. If she did, she never got there, even pulled another person who was getting ready to leave into the conversation until finally I got away because the place was closing.
All in all a very uncomfortable, unsettling experience. I think maybe she thinks I owe her something, or that I should be her friend, or that she can “help” me in some way… I dunno, but it was weird and awkward which is unfortunate because the meetup was pretty good up til that point.
If she tries it again I’m gonna have to get real with her. (whatever that means)