The point of this blog is, in part, to offer a place for me to express the things I don’t feel I can express to others.

It’s really intended for no one but myself.

That being said, no one starts a blog without actually wishing for an audience.  I can’t imagine what kind of people would want to read the kinds of things I will be writing here, but that doesn’t matter.  It’s out here if nothing else as a record of one person’s experience living with and trying to improve her life while suffering from varying degrees of dysthymia.

Dysthymia, simply put, is chronic low-grade depression.  Where the official definition of clinical depression is something like “persistent blue or sad feelings for a period of 2 weeks or more,” dysthymia is more like “persistent blue or sad feelings for extended periods of time, but not so bad as to prevent functioning in the world; periods of major depression may occur as well.”

Depression sucks.  Been there a couple times in my life and it’s the most miserable thing in the world.  All the bad feelings, bad memories, feelings of inadequacy, failure, ugliness, lack of energy can not be comprehended unless you have experienced it for yourself.  It is literally Your Own Personal Hell.

Dysthymia is kind of like walking on a balance beam.  To my left is Major Depression.  To my right is Feeling OK.  My arms are out to keep my balance, but they tip in one direction or the other, sometimes leaning more towards depression and sometimes leaning toward feeling OK.  Falling off on either side isn’t an option.  I just tip back and forth.  But what does happen, I think, is that the better care I learn to take of myself, the wider the beam gets, so I don’t have to try quite so hard to keep my balance.

02/06/2011

~ namaste ~

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