Tag Archive: body image


Exercise or some shit

I have got to start jogging. I meant to “spring out of bed” when the alarm went off this morning so I could start doing Couch to 5K… and I did spring out of bed, just long enough to hit “snooze” three or four times like normal. Mondays are rough, though, and I had a busier Sunday than usual so it’s ok. I’ll start tomorrow.

I just feel so FAT some days. I know I’ve gained weight the last couple months, because some of my jeans are a little uncomfortable where before they were just “snug.” I know I’m not “fat” fat, but this belly is just a constant source of shame and disappointment. If I really can manage to run at least 3x a week and do yoga on Saturdays, that will be huge.

That’s all really.

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Body image

Lately, I have consistently weighed around 125.  That’s 15 pounds heavier than I was before my birthday.  I must make a concerted effort to drop a few.  Simply cutting portion size should do.  I certainly didn’t exercise regularly.  Though of course I know it would help.

I can’t afford to gain any more.  I got rid of all my bigger pants.

Tonight I ate the rest of the cookies I had in the freezer.  They weren’t very good, and I’m glad they are gone.  Now, hopefully, I will not indulge in any more… indulgences.  Of the edible sort, anyway.

I’m on the verge of something.  My therapist today referred to different stages of existence.  There’s comfort, there’s stretching, and then another one that’s like EXTREEEME and unpleasant.  I think I’m lingering in “comfort,” knowing I’m unhappy but being too, well, comfortable to push myself into “stretching” — the type of existence where one grows and prospers.

No yoga this weekend, because there’s a festival in the park.  Maybe I’ll pump my bike’s tires and take a ride to the greenway.  Maybe.

more about sex

I never ever imagined I would be the kind of person interested in casual sex.  Like, one night stand fling sort of casual sex.  I can kind of see the appeal, though.  I’m well aware that it would probably be a bad idea since I seem to become emotionally attached (see “Limerence”) without warning and my only attempt at “Friends with Benefits” was disastrous because of it.  Sometimes, though, I think about it.  I think, maybe I can hook up with that guy from yoga class.  I think he’s a bit younger than me, seems rather nerdy, we probably wouldn’t connect on any meaningful level.

I suppose I should acknowledge that I have had a glass of wine.  It seems to have an aphrodisiacal influence on me when imbibed in moderation.

I like to make up words sometimes (ie aphrodisiacal. it makes sense. maniac:maniacal; aphrodisiac:aphrodisiacal).

I have the distinct impression that my (hypothetical) future partners would benefit from my being a little more aggressive and confident in bed.  The fact is, though, that I have such meagre experience in that field that I kind of want to see what they want to do and just go along with it.  That’s been the trend, anyway.  I’m not aggressive sexually.  I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.  Thinking about my sexual partners to date, I rather think we would all be a bit better served if I start to express myself a bit more where that’s concerned.  It would serve me, too, I suppose.

I wonder how unusual it is to be 30 and wondering what, exactly, my sexual tendencies are.  I’m not a great experimenter, and I haven’t got enough hands to try anything that really strikes me in the moment; what I have imagined is that I will coit with someone with whom I feel comfortable enough that we can explore our preferences together.

Tomoyasu Hotei’s cover of hide’s “Rocket Dive” just came on my iPod (set on random).  I haven’t heard this song in forever.  So much fun!  I love this cover.  That is all.

_______sexuality

I am predominantly heterosexual.  I can tell this because when I watch a movie with a physically attractive male protagonist I suddenly waaaaant.

In other news, I offered my couch to a friend who’s passing through town tomorrow and Thursday.  I hate it because as soon as I do something like that my attitude changes and I don’t want to anymore.  I even said I’d skip the yoga class I’ve been wanting to go to for a month so I can go meet some of her friends for dinner.  I know I’ll have a good time, but right now I can only think “arrrg!”

It’s ok.  Yoga will happen again on Saturday.  And then next Wednesday I can go.  One more week won’t hurt me.  I just hate last minute changes like this.  le sigh.

 

Anxious about money.  Rent is due, other half of class tuition is due on the 5th, gotta buy my textbook.  I have a decent-paying job.  How do I manage to stay so broke most of the time?

 

Brush teeth, go to bed.

Whining

1- I am so cute.  Why couldn’t I have realized how cute I am 10+ years ago?

2- I am so cute.  Why can’t I feel happy and confident like I always believed cute people must feel?

3- whiiiiiiiine.

Shower revelations

I finally admitted to myself while in the shower tonight that I have not completely come to terms with the business of SMF.

What I keep going back to is that I tried very hard to accommodate where he said he was… not wanting a defined relationship or whatever.  I didn’t ask for anything.  So when he has the nerve to say “I can tell we just wouldn’t work out for each other” I want to say, how the hell do you know??  You didn’t do a thing, did you.  You didn’t go out of your way on my account, you didn’t compromise anything — if that’s what you’re looking for, someone who will be exactly what you think you want and allow you to remain completely unchanged, an island unto yourself, then you’re absolutely right, it would never have worked out.

What bothers me so much about SMF is that, for all that he can muster pretty sentences when he chooses to, I feel like the whole time he really didn’t give a damn.  I know he was preoccupied with other things, but sunovabitch, even friends give a damn about each other.  As a fuckbuddy, I allowed myself to be less than a friend, less valuable, less than a person, less than equal.  And for that the blame lies with me as much as with him — he enabled it, allowed it, kept fucking me.  And of course it was fun when it happened.  But that last time, when it was just fucking, barely a “hello” —

I know this is a valuable experience and that I can only grow from it.  But the fact is that I hurt.  I hurt because I feel devalued, I feel used (whether I was or not), I feel like I let myself be used and devalued, lied to myself to keep it going.  And I feel like he lied, too, whether he intended to or not.  I’m still not satisfied with his answer — “why would you go out on a date with someone if you’re not interested in dating” — his response was that they were kind of different.  But what if?

I don’t know.  I feel like a fool, I really do.  And what galls me is that he has this smug way of talking to me — e-mailing, texting, whatever — that implies that he knows me, he knows what’s going on with me, what I’m struggling with.  You don’t know me, man.  And you certainly don’t have the right to treat me like you do.  Fuck.  Anger and hurt!  And fat and disgusting and when was the last time I brushed my teeth? Exercised?  Shame.  A bit of self-loathing slipped in.

Don’t tell me “it didn’t work out” — there never was any “it” and if you really think there was you don’t know the first thing about me.  And that’s a goddamn fact.

Flatter my vanity. Go ahead.

Here’s an example of just how dramatically my self-image has changed/improved.  When I first signed up for facebook I used a picture of some cinnamon rolls from the bakery as my profile pic. Then eventually I upgraded to a craptastic line drawing self-portrait. Most recently I have been using an actual picture of me taken by a friend while we were enjoying the public art in our town.  All that moved to a new level today.  I took a picture of myself, head on, looking straight at the camera, slightly bemused expression on my face.

For the longest time I have NOT ALLOWED photographs of myself to be taken when I could possibly prevent it.  I hate the way I look in pictures.  The one taken by the friend was OK because I had big Jackie O sunglasses covering half my face and it was goofy and fun. So this picture of me which I took myself and deliberately put online as representative of me – this is huge.

 

Lord I’m so sleepy!  I think I need to make a cup of tea.

Post new year check-in

Here I am at the start of 2012.  I’ve never taken much stock in the whole “new year” thing — I like to think of each day, each moment as an opportunity for a new beginning.  But because I have been through so many changes over the last few months, because I’m thinking again, thinking positively and actively, I feel a bit like I’m on a bike at the top of a hill, about to push off full tilt into the landscape laid out ahead.  About to.  There are some things I still need to process before I can make that push.

Here’s one thing I envision for this year, the first quarter.  I want to start a campaign to de-stigmatize Herpes.  I don’t know yet what it will look like – it will probably start with YouTube videos (I’m gonna be a star!) stating simple facts.  Facts that people who don’t have genital herpes apparently don’t know.  It may not change anything in the end, but I have to try.  I put myself through a lot of emotional anguish over having genital HSV-1, only to discover a week after the fact that the guy I’m interested also has HSV-1 — he just didn’t know that’s what it was.  I’d like to spare others that same grief.  Anyway, once I think of a name for the campaign and have produced or at least scripted one or two small videos, I’ll reach out to some of the bigger online Herpes resources and try to get some linkage, at least.  The first quarter is only 3 months long, so I may not put it all together by then, but it’s a soft deadline for me to work with.

My body image has come a long way — the fact that my Special Male Friend refers to me as “tiny vegan girl” helps.  I’ve never in my wildest dreams imagined myself “tiny” in anyone’s eyes.  ** I’ve decided that Special Male Friend (hereafter shortened to SMF) will be my blog codename for the friend I’m sleeping with… he doesn’t want to “date” date until he’s gotten all the divorce and custody stuff worked out so we’re kind of “more than friends” but not “dating”… oy.  It’s cool, though. I’ve done a lot of thinking about it and for now, at least, I am OK with things as they are. **  Anyway, I’m doing a minimal amount of work on my abs in the form of occasionally holding plank and side plank positions to a count of 30.  It’s not much, but it’s a start.  I intend to pull out the exercise DVD I have again, too, now that I’m pretty settled in and have enough floorspace to actually do the exercises.  When I can afford to, I also want to get a bike.  The street I live off has full bike lanes that go all the way uptown.  If I can get a bike by April, I will be able to spend the spring months building up my stamina, which was never very good.  Anyway, not any huge commitment here, but I’m more serious now than probably ever before in my life.

I have also been working on being more “myself” in social situations.  I have so often been just a “yes man,” sympathizing, oohing, nodding in understanding with whoever is sharing their experience.  Or simply being silent if I didn’t agree.  I already respect myself more for the work I have done on this so far.  I will never be — and don’t want to be! — an aggressive person, but I do want to take part in the conversation as myself.  I realize now that much of my feeling of disconnectedness, of aloneness, has come from my own unwillingness to connect, to be myself around others.  I have been waiting all this time for others to “draw me out” and I finally understand how far that has gotten me, and how it will not take me where I want to go.  I’m sure I’ll put my foot in my mouth, get cold feet, regret speaking up a few times.  But this is worth it.

So happy 2012 to all.  If you have been fortunate enough to have made as much progress in 2011 as I have, this year bodes nothing but good.

Status update

I’m gonna be upfront and admit that as of beginning this post I have had 2 mojitos, which in this house means at least a shot and a half of rum each time.  Which is enough to get me pretty tipsy so I make no guarantees as far as grammar and spelling go.

Randomly, and right after BF left to hang with a friend, I felt the urge to masturbate, and helped myself along with some good old-fashioned smut.  Haven’t done that in a while, it was… well, I can’t say “fulfilling” but nice nonetheless.  I should point out that my libido is usually in the negatives (I blame the Effexor) so this is quite an occasion.

It feels too much like a Friday to be Thursday.

I think, since my last session with my therapist, we have decided to slow down the pace a little.  At first I seemed very capable and fairly healthy (?), but the last 2 or 3 sessions have been harder, like I’m slipping back into some of the old patterns, or just crashing into the same old walls I always run into eventually.  I think it kind of surprised her, the other week, when I was so much more fragile than usual.

This tends to happen periodically.  It’s like the wave of self-help crests and falls, and for a while I’m back to fighting myself again.  But it’s OK, really.  Right now (I feel tipsy, remember), I feel able to face these issues, this low self-esteem and whatever else.  The more moments like this that I have, the easier it will be for me to remember this feeling when it matters.

Kitty is totally kneading my side.  Ow.

Daily ratings

When I had the follow-up meeting with my homeopathist, I realized how little I could remember about how/whether my symptoms changed over the past 6 weeks.  I realized I needed to implement mom’s plan, which was to “rank” her symptoms on a daily basis.

I drew out a little table with the days across the top and the symptoms listed down the left.  Each day (except the couple of days I have forgotten) I rank each symptom 1 to 5, 1 being the worst, 5 being the best or most positive.  It’s really pretty hard, since some days I might have a few “blue” periods but feel pretty OK by the time I get around to doing the ranking.  So in addition to that I am writing a few lines underneath the table which make note of any significant events, irritations, aggravations, etc.  That way I’m not bound just to numbers and I have some frame of reference to remind myself, four weeks down the road, why I put the number I did on any given day.

One thing I have really been bad about is exercise.  I haven’t actually done any of the 10-minute workouts since I started the homeopathic treatment, and I haven’t even been to Tai Chi in at least 3 weeks.  I am doing my best to be gentle with myself about it, but also not let myself make excuses.  I understand that there are times, and will be times in the future, when I just don’t feel like it for whatever reason.  But when I make the decision to hit “snooze” 3 times instead of getting up and doing a quick, easy exercise, that’s my choice.  And when I decide to skip Tai Chi for whatever reason, that is also my choice.  I fully intend to start back on my tiny exercise regimen this week.  If I approach it mindfully, and remind myself, “I am choosing to do this, because ultimately I will feel better about myself,” I will actually feel better about myself right then.  I know this is true because I experienced it the couple of weeks when I first started doing it.

~ namaste ~