Tag Archive: dating

Letter to Dad

Dear Dad,

You would not believe this guy.  I mean you would, and you’d be absolutely thrilled for me.

I thought I had more to say on this, but mainly it boils down to “I wish you could meet him, you’d like him so much.”



On Crushing

Sigh… I am totally crushing. This guy is too great.

So I had a date with this guy tonight… I haven’t been to bed yet so it’s still “tonight” in my book. Anyway, date. We met for a casual evening meal and were going to head to a movie that started at 7:30. But when it was 7 and we were still talking in the restaurant, we scrapped the movie plan and headed to his place for a night of fire pit. He’s got this sofa he drags outta his garage for just such occasions, so fire was started and we chilled, just talking about whatever came up. I did get a chance to mention my *ahem* intimate acquaintance with NM, and he’d already heard something of it from NM so it wasn’t a surprise. Whew! Never know how that might go.

Didn’t take us long to get all snuggly, which was awesome.

Finally when it got cold enough we called it a night and I grabbed my purse to head home. I was feeling so comfy I blurted, I kinda wanna kiss you but I’m almost too shy to say it. But I saw some hesitation in him so I added that if he didn’t want to yet that was cool. He asked if it would be ok to wait because it’s moving kinda fast for him. *squee*!! Words cannot describe how great that felt. I mean, yes, it would have been nice to kiss, but the pure honesty and the simple fact that he doesn’t want to move too fast is sooooo nice. I’m super stoked. Couldn’t tell you the last time I felt so comfortable just hanging out, enjoying another’s presence. Truly a gift to appreciate as much as possible.


Well, here we go again.

I have begun the process of auditioning another man.  If that sounds cold it’s not meant to.  It actually helped me on our first couple dates to think of it that way.  I’m auditioning him, he’s auditioning me.

So we’ll see.  It’s very early yet.  But as usual, it’s fun at the beginning.

What’s interesting about this is that it’s very possible he’s never had sex before.  The idea that I might be the more sexually experienced party is pretty unfathomable.  But it is genuinely probably in this case.

Truly, though, the details aren’t important.  I’ve enjoyed hanging out with him over the last week or so, and I look forward to more hanging out this weekend.

Another interesting fact is that he is friends with NM and at least casually acquainted with SMF.  It’s on my list to let him know that I have in fact had sex with both of them.  In the interest of full disclosure.  And I feel like I will this time.  He’s just too damn nice.

The last 36 hours

Had brunch with NM.  It’s funny, maybe it was just getting stuck in football game traffic, but about halfway there I was thinking, “man, I don’t really wanna do this.”  When I got there I was feeling pretty cool, probably feeling wounded by the no-shows Saturday night.  He was not nearly apologetic enough for my taste.  I admit I slipped into a little passive-aggressiveness.  And the man TALKS, let me tell you.  It’s funny, I was totally into him for a few weeks, even up to a few days ago, but listening to him talk over brunch was downright painful.  I appreciate a talker, but he just fills every moment, and I don’t have time to slip in if there does happen to be a break.  Funny how I didn’t seem to mind at first.

Anyway, we walked around the neighborhood for a while after that, then as we were about to get into our respective cars he started: “I don’t want to seem like a total jerk…”  (sidenote: it’s not jerky to be honest vis a vis a prospective relationship) so I said, “Go for it.”  He continued “I don’t really see any longevity in this…” To which I agreed emphatically.  I really, really had to pee or we could have chatted longer about how it wouldn’t work to drag it out any longer.  But yeah, after brunch and after-brunch conversation, I was also pretty much done.  As soon as he said it a light sort of went off in my head like “Bingo.”

This doesn’t mean that my subconscious didn’t process it like any other rejection.  I got home completely exhausted and promptly fell into bed, which is what I do when I’m unable/unwilling to process something just yet.  Ended up staying there the rest of the evening and through the night, then got up for work as normal this morning.

Here’s when it got crappy.  Halfway through my commute I started to feel what I hadn’t let myself feel on Sunday afternoon.  The combination of being stood up by my one friend and this guy on Saturday, plus the perceived rejection on Sunday, brought home all those feelings of unworthiness and abandonment that I probably should have seen coming but didn’t.  I guess I thought since I’d done such a good job dealing with things on Saturday night, I was through.  But no, here it came.  I spent the first 2 hours at work sniffling and shedding tears, going back and forth between doing my regular Monday work routine and feeling completely worthless and unqualified to do my job, unloved and unlovable.  In desperation I sent my therapist an e-mail about how hurt I felt about having been stood up by my friends on Saturday night.  Not expecting any therapy back, I just couldn’t think of anyone else to share that with.

I ultimately asked my boss if I could leave at noon.  I wasn’t crying anymore by that point, but I also wasn’t getting much work done.  I came home, cried some, carved my pumpkins, cried some more, read another chapter of “The Untethered Soul,” lay down and talked to myself, closed my eyes for a bit.  Then I got up and took a shower (my shoulders are sore from the sun salutations… chataranga kicks my ass), got dressed, made some coffee (I finally got around to getting myself a French Press), repotted some plants and here I am.  Not feeling 100%, but not feeling awful.

One thing that came up when I was talking to myself was the memory of getting lost at the mall when I was 3.  I wondered if my intense fear of abandonment/rejection stems from that occasion or others like it.  It seems likely enough.  Alone, helpless, surrounded by a bunch of adults I didn’t know (trying to find out who I belong to), trying to weigh the likelihood that I could make it home on foot if I tried (it was about a mile from the mall to our house).  It’s pretty amazing to think that my intense reactions to rejection at age 30 could all stem from that one event 27 years ago.  I’ll have to remember to see what Mom thinks about that, and hopefully remember to mention it to my therapist when I see her next month.  Anyway, continuing to feel better as I type.  Thankfully.

So I heard back from NM at about 10 saying he was just leaving his family and yeah, he was pretty exhausted.  Which is about what I expected, but it was still not fun to read.  I’m not ashamed to say I cried some.  A combination of the disappointment, a little hurt, and that victim feeling.  But I did feel as I was crying that it did not mean I was unhappy.  It was a momentary thing, and it passed.  I am doing my utmost not to be passive-aggressive toward my friend and NM, and I think I’m doing a pretty good job. So far.  I made plans to get brunch with NM tomorrow which is also nice.

As I type this, and view this practice experience as something of a triumph, I also realize this sort of thing will be very, very difficult to repeat.  It’s a great, very positive start, and I am thrilled at the apparent success, but I don’t pretend it will make the next challenge any easier.

BUT if I continue to remind myself a) I want to be happy, unconditionally; b) I have no control over anything but my own actions; and c) Life just Is, I may have half a chance at a second success down the road.

Learning, a bit

I had an interesting experience yesterday with NM.  We met at a movie theatre to catch a crazy Japanese movie the film society was screening.  I think he moved to embrace me, but I must have pulled back a little or something.  I think I just slipped into my standard flippant self-protective persona.  In the movie we hardly touched the whole time.  We both enjoyed the movie thoroughly.  After, we chatted briefly outside, and as we moved to go our separate ways, embraced in a friendly way.  I thought, he’s not gonna kiss me.  What’s up with that?  Completely not realizing that it was probably my behavior at the start of the evening that made him think maybe I didn’t want to go that route anymore.  But I’d sort of been looking forward to kissing him for most of the day.  So I couldn’t let him get away without it, or ay least without trying.  Rejection be damned.  So I said, “can I kiss you before you go?”  And he replied “yeah! I didn’t think you wanted to.”  So we shared a nice series of kisses before parting.

It wasn’t until I was driving home that I began to process the course of the evening and realize that I may well have given that impression when we first arrived.

It’s a lack of awareness that caused me to lapse into my non-present self-protective mode.  He’s coming over tomorrow eve to hang out and carve pumpkins.  I am determined to be more aware, more present and more emotive — I think it’s only fair.  I realize I’ve spent most of my conscious life trying to hide what I was feeling, ashamed of my feelings, afraid of being ridiculed or taken advantage of.  It will take some effort for me to share my true, honest feelings, impulses and inclinations.  But it will be good for me.  This guy’s pretty cool.  One thing I like about him is his apparent unselfconsciousness.  It sort of helps me feel how absurd my own self-concsiousness is.

Anyway.  That’s all I got for now.

Treading cautiously

I’m attempting to gauge whether I’m on a New Man high or if I’m genuinely feeling better these days.  It’s really hard to tell.  On the one hand, I am feeling better these days.  Tonight I’m cooking a big pot of vegetable stew, which will be the base for a pot pie with a pumpkin biscuit topping instead of the standard pot pie pastry (courtesy of Fatfree Vegan).  I have a small glass of red wine (courtesy of Trader Joe’s) and I’m clean, having showered after I got home from work.  The stew smells marvelous!  The seitan has to simmer another 15 minutes and then I make the pumpkin biscuits.

What struck me about this moment, and the reason I thought to write about it at all, is how seemingly carefree and mellow I feel.  It’s sad that I’ve come to distrust that sort of feeling, but my experience with this sort of not-depressed feeling is that I do something or say something or something and I end up looking back at this little euphoric moment with disgust.  It’s a strange conflict within me, trying to enjoy and appreciate this positive flow of emotion but at the same time trying not to buy into it too much — like I think it’s a con or something.  And my distrust is valid, I think.  It’s more than a little suspicious that I am feeling more positive, more motivated, less self-critical, at a time when I’ve been on a few dates with a guy I’ve been crushing on and who hasn’t disappointed me yet.  So you see, I can’t entirely trust myself in these matters.  I suppose that’s where meditation helps.

I guess what my concern is is that I feel quite strongly that an individual’s happiness is not solely contingent on the presence of an intimate relationship in their life.  I mean, sure, it probably helps, but I know that I have a lot of issues still to deal with, and I don’t want to see myself laying those aside because of some illusion of contentedness that is a natural byproduct of New Man high.  (I guess he’ll be NM from now on, eh?)

The mind is so complicated.  I guess I can vent some of this out on my therapist this Thursday, too.  But I was telling mom — it’s so funny — my therapist asks me if I’m seeing anyone every time we meet.  I guess it’s not that farfetched, but every time she asks I’m a little amused and a little annoyed.  After all, being in a relationship is not going to solve my problems!  But she knows I struggle with feelings of loneliness, of disconnectedness, so I guess she thinks having someone near my life could potentially be beneficial.  I guess that’s what it is.  So I won’t be annoyed anymore when she asks.  And of course, this time I’ll have a different answer for her.  Watch her fall out of her chair when I tell her I asked him out! (she won’t, but she’ll be absolutely thrilled)

So that’s where I am now.  At this moment content, warm, hopeful and suspicious.  I’m afraid to let go of the suspicion.  I suppose that’s the last little piece of self-protection.  The author of “The Untethered Soul” would tell me to “just let it go…. open my heart… relax and release.”  Maybe I should try that, pain be damned.  We’ll see.  Maybe after another glass of wine.

Just…. nice!

I’ve been out with this guy a couple times now.  It’s weird, I haven’t yet begun to show any signs of the sort of limerent fixation I had for SMF or Scuffin Guy.  I mean, it’s nice, just different.  A positive change, I feel!

We ended up spending almost the whole weekend together.  Went up to his place Friday night, got myself sick on too much bourbon (so yeah, I’ve all but ditched the whole “not drinking” thing), hung out all Saturday, stayed up late, got up slowly, lazily late this morning and made it home around 2:30 this afternoon.  It means my chances of getting anything done today are pretty much nil, but it was just really nice.  I fear I wasn’t the greatest company Saturday afternoon, having sour stomach from the overindulgence Friday night and bleary-eyed from having accidentally slept in my contacts (and I left my glasses at home! not having planned on being up there so long).  As we drifted off (well, I crashed, maybe he drifted) I expressed my concerns that I must have been rather boring that day, but he assured me I was not.  I’ve decided to take him at his word, because it doesn’t do me any good to do otherwise.  I did probably kick his ass in a Scrabble game that we weren’t keeping score on.  “EXPAND” on a triple word score.  I can’t remember the last time I had such a great word in scrabble.

He’s super tidy, which makes me all the more aware of my own rather sloppy housekeeping.  Having left the cats to their own devices for the duration, it smelled rather catty when I got home.  Not in an unbearable way, but definitely must be addressed.  I feel good this evening, but felt too tired to do any really unpleasant work like tidying or sweeping or anything when I got home.

I’ve got more thoughts on this, but at the same time, they don’t really matter much.  I’m enjoying this so far.  Definitely enjoying not feeling limerent.

Haven’t yet come up with a code name for him for this journal.  It’ll come to me, I’m sure.

Step back, step forward

Even though I am effectively broke and have previously resolved not to buy alcohol, I ordered a bottle of wine before the atheist group planning meeting last night.  They’re half price on Wednesdays.  Not that that excuses me.

I proceeded to drink the entire bottle, which is apparently what I do these days when I have a bottle to myself.  Lesson learned, no more bottles.

On the upside, it gave me the courage to tell a guy I’ve been moderately crushing on that I’m moderately crushing on him.  Unfortunate that I had to consume alcohol before getting the nerve to do it, but it’s a start.  I’ve never initiated anything in my life. (That’s probably an overstatement, but.)

Apparently he’s interested though.  So now to the work of getting to know each other.