Tag Archive: food


…….all you can think about is going home and eating cookies.

 

:/

Treading cautiously

I’m attempting to gauge whether I’m on a New Man high or if I’m genuinely feeling better these days.  It’s really hard to tell.  On the one hand, I am feeling better these days.  Tonight I’m cooking a big pot of vegetable stew, which will be the base for a pot pie with a pumpkin biscuit topping instead of the standard pot pie pastry (courtesy of Fatfree Vegan).  I have a small glass of red wine (courtesy of Trader Joe’s) and I’m clean, having showered after I got home from work.  The stew smells marvelous!  The seitan has to simmer another 15 minutes and then I make the pumpkin biscuits.

What struck me about this moment, and the reason I thought to write about it at all, is how seemingly carefree and mellow I feel.  It’s sad that I’ve come to distrust that sort of feeling, but my experience with this sort of not-depressed feeling is that I do something or say something or something and I end up looking back at this little euphoric moment with disgust.  It’s a strange conflict within me, trying to enjoy and appreciate this positive flow of emotion but at the same time trying not to buy into it too much — like I think it’s a con or something.  And my distrust is valid, I think.  It’s more than a little suspicious that I am feeling more positive, more motivated, less self-critical, at a time when I’ve been on a few dates with a guy I’ve been crushing on and who hasn’t disappointed me yet.  So you see, I can’t entirely trust myself in these matters.  I suppose that’s where meditation helps.

I guess what my concern is is that I feel quite strongly that an individual’s happiness is not solely contingent on the presence of an intimate relationship in their life.  I mean, sure, it probably helps, but I know that I have a lot of issues still to deal with, and I don’t want to see myself laying those aside because of some illusion of contentedness that is a natural byproduct of New Man high.  (I guess he’ll be NM from now on, eh?)

The mind is so complicated.  I guess I can vent some of this out on my therapist this Thursday, too.  But I was telling mom — it’s so funny — my therapist asks me if I’m seeing anyone every time we meet.  I guess it’s not that farfetched, but every time she asks I’m a little amused and a little annoyed.  After all, being in a relationship is not going to solve my problems!  But she knows I struggle with feelings of loneliness, of disconnectedness, so I guess she thinks having someone near my life could potentially be beneficial.  I guess that’s what it is.  So I won’t be annoyed anymore when she asks.  And of course, this time I’ll have a different answer for her.  Watch her fall out of her chair when I tell her I asked him out! (she won’t, but she’ll be absolutely thrilled)

So that’s where I am now.  At this moment content, warm, hopeful and suspicious.  I’m afraid to let go of the suspicion.  I suppose that’s the last little piece of self-protection.  The author of “The Untethered Soul” would tell me to “just let it go…. open my heart… relax and release.”  Maybe I should try that, pain be damned.  We’ll see.  Maybe after another glass of wine.

Fiber

I made myself a smoothie for dinner comprised of: 1 beet, 1/2 tomato, 1 apple, 1 carrot, 1 small cucumber, handful of spinach, couple of blueberries and a chunk of fresh ginger (mm, spicy!).  Cain’t NObody tell me I don’t have enough fiber in my diet!  Though in all fairness, I’m only drinking half of it tonight.  The other half is for breakfast tomorrow.

o_O

Random e-mail from SMF thanking me for suggesting he try seitan way back when.  Wtf.

:: edit ::

Also, I failed miserably at not drinking last week.  Thursday was the RiffTrax LIVE event and I took myself out for Mediterranean food beforehand.  Sitting outside in pleasant weather (in the shade), I simply had to have a glass of white wine.  It’s one of my favorite things to do in that situation.  Then going out to dinner on Saturday with the veggie Meetup group, I had 2 Red Oaks (beer).  I think I ordered primarily because very few other people did.  This is one of the weird things about me that I haven’t quite gotten to the source of yet:  I see that most people are doing one thing and automatically go, “fuck you all, I’m doing this different thing just because.”  I have noticed, though, that sometimes when I do that, others decide to follow my lead.  Not in this case, but still.  It’s interesting.

Anyway, this week, starting over, no drinking, I promise.

The Curse of the RomCom

I really need to stop watching romcoms.  Actually I really need to stop watching movies period.  Maybe I should cancel my Netflix subscription.  All I watch is tripe anyway.  Except that doc about the World War II spy called Garbo that I watched earlier today.  That was pretty amazing.

The point is that I watched 3.5 feature-length movies today. And several yesterday as well.  I haven’t accomplished anything, I’m so disoriented I barely know what day it is, and I closed out the marathon with a Korean RomCom.

Ever since the post before last (“______sexuality”) I have been pining.  Just generically, not with any particular object. Er, subject.  Really, anyone could come along and sweep me off my feet at this point.  Provided they meet certain criteria, of course.  “A few smiles, a few compliments of the Navy and he’s a lost man” — to paraphrase Jane Austen.  (sidenote: if anyone ever writes me a note like the one Captain Wentworth leaves for Anne in “Persuasion,” I will probably explode)

So yeah, a movie with a couple of cute, clean-cut Asian dudes and an awesome kiss at the end just kind of exacerbates my symptoms.  Even though she really should have gone with the other guy.  But oh well.  That’s just me.

So yeah, I have spent this entire weekend, essentially, doing nothing but watching so-so movies on Netflix, lying around in my underwear, binging on my favorite unsalted tortilla chips and salsa.  I made cookies but they’re not even that good.  I ate four of them anyway.  In my defense they were hot out of the oven.

 

The problem is, if I cancel my Netflix account, what will I do with my time instead?  Will I suddenly feel compelled to do the things on the nice long list I wrote out for myself this morning?  I sincerely doubt it.  Simply denying myself access to my primary source of escapism will not automatically make me a productive, responsible adult.

 

I am taking the day off from work tomorrow so I can go down to the community college and get my parking pass and my textbook.  With money I don’t have.  But that’s another story.  The main thing is that if I wake with an alarm, leave the house, do some things, then come home, I might be more inclined to take care of some of the things on my list.  Might.
I did stop myself from having another cookie.  I went back there and looked at them, almost reached for one, but talked myself out of it.  I still feel a little gross from having eaten four of them.  It’s what I do, though.  It’s like an automatic thing, I don’t even think about it.  Same with the tortilla chips.  I seriously almost consumed an entire jar of salsa this afternoon.  The routine of it, or something.  I’m not really sure what it is.  The comfort of not having to think about what to do next, maybe.  No choice to be made, just pick up another chip, scoop up some salsa, put in mouth, chew, swallow.  Repeat.  That could have something to do with it.  I suppose it’s most likely part of my dissociative tendency.  If I were present while I ate those chips, I would have focused more on the flavors, the textures in each bite, maybe taken it slower, maybe I would have started feeling full sooner.

 

Tonight I will brush my teeth.  I didn’t last night.  Didn’t feel like it.  I also need to put the sheets back on the bed.   They are in the dryer.  le sigh.

I identify a lot with the story of Sisyphus.  I suppose if we all examine our lives, we would all recognize something of that futile struggle in our own experience.  But in dealing with mental illness it’s especially easy to feel.  You push the rock up the hill all day, every day.  Then it falls back down to the bottom and you have to go back to the start and begin pushing all over again.  Certainly when I feel depressed (or in med withdrawal *coughThursdaycough*) the idea that the entire pursuit – of life, success, happiness, whatever – is futile is a pretty alluring one.  What’s the point of striving, of bothering with any of it, if at the end of the day the rock rolls back down and you’re back where you started, feeling like shit.

From a slightly less negative angle, a slightly more experienced angle, my experience is now more like “two steps forward, one step back” or some variation thereof.  I’m not charging forward, blasting through all impediments with my warriorlike will.  I stumble, I fall, I get back up again, but always looking forward if not quite able to move forward on my journey toward mental health.

Today I went to yoga in the park – my second time going, the first was last weekend – and this evening I went to a Soto Zen meditation group.  I believe both of these things can/will be good for me if I keep up with them.  We’ll see if I do.  It can be so hard to keep up the momentum of a positive weekend and carry it through the week and into the next weekend.

This Wednesday is the 4th of July, Independence Day in the US, so I plan on grilling some tofu and other veggies for my main meal.  I made whole wheat flatbread yesterday afternoon and I found a recipe for soy yogurt that can be made using only store-bought soymilk.  I have wanted to try making non-dairy yogurt for a while now but it seemed like all the recipes I found started with “make your soymilk.”  That will be fun and exciting, and if it works I will have delicious yogurt to eat my delicious homemade granola with.  I love food, and I am trying to incorporate that love into my journey.  So often I complain to myself that I have no great hobbies or passions; food comes very close, so I will try to harness that in as meaningful a way as possible.