Tag Archive: friends


Date Night

So I had a date with this guy tonight… I haven’t been to bed yet so it’s still “tonight” in my book. Anyway, date. We met for a casual evening meal and were going to head to a movie that started at 7:30. But when it was 7 and we were still talking in the restaurant, we scrapped the movie plan and headed to his place for a night of fire pit. He’s got this sofa he drags outta his garage for just such occasions, so fire was started and we chilled, just talking about whatever came up. I did get a chance to mention my *ahem* intimate acquaintance with NM, and he’d already heard something of it from NM so it wasn’t a surprise. Whew! Never know how that might go.

Didn’t take us long to get all snuggly, which was awesome.

Finally when it got cold enough we called it a night and I grabbed my purse to head home. I was feeling so comfy I blurted, I kinda wanna kiss you but I’m almost too shy to say it. But I saw some hesitation in him so I added that if he didn’t want to yet that was cool. He asked if it would be ok to wait because it’s moving kinda fast for him. *squee*!! Words cannot describe how great that felt. I mean, yes, it would have been nice to kiss, but the pure honesty and the simple fact that he doesn’t want to move too fast is sooooo nice. I’m super stoked. Couldn’t tell you the last time I felt so comfortable just hanging out, enjoying another’s presence. Truly a gift to appreciate as much as possible.

Lawsy

Well, here we go again.

I have begun the process of auditioning another man.  If that sounds cold it’s not meant to.  It actually helped me on our first couple dates to think of it that way.  I’m auditioning him, he’s auditioning me.

So we’ll see.  It’s very early yet.  But as usual, it’s fun at the beginning.

What’s interesting about this is that it’s very possible he’s never had sex before.  The idea that I might be the more sexually experienced party is pretty unfathomable.  But it is genuinely probably in this case.

Truly, though, the details aren’t important.  I’ve enjoyed hanging out with him over the last week or so, and I look forward to more hanging out this weekend.

Another interesting fact is that he is friends with NM and at least casually acquainted with SMF.  It’s on my list to let him know that I have in fact had sex with both of them.  In the interest of full disclosure.  And I feel like I will this time.  He’s just too damn nice.

Bit o’ frustration

I’m signed up to go to a Meetup thing and I don’t know anybody else who’s going.  Have to leave the house in about 1-1/2 hours in order to get there in time, and already starting to feel anxious about it.  I wish I had somebody to go with!!  But it would be nice if I at least had somebody I could text and be like “damn, I’m really getting anxious” and have them tell me “hey it’s ok, you’ll be fine and you’ll have fun once you get there.”  Previously I might have sent something like that to L, but I’m sort of distancing myself from her these days.  Too much pot and recreational use of prescription drugs for my comfort. And besides, she never actually hangs out with me anymore.  And she was kind of the only person I had who I felt familiar enough with to express this sort of anxiety.  I don’t want to talk myself out of going.  I know it will probably be lots of fun.  But I’m afraid!!  Afraid of new people, of unfamiliar settings and activities.  Sigh.  I have a movie.  I could easily stay home and watch that instead.  But I also really could use the exercise and the adrenalin from physical activity should be good for my brain chemistry, too.  So you see there’s no good reason not to go.  But goddamn I’m scared.

Enrichment

I’ve reached that frame of mind again where I think I need to focus on doing things I enjoy.  Enriching my life.  I think I’m going to be alone for quite some time.  I’m not swearing off the idea of good friends entirely, but I think when it’s something I want so bad trying to artificially manifest it is ultimately counterproductive.

I do start to despair a little, periodically, because it’s been so long since I’ve had a good friend that I don’t have things to talk about.  Like I want to have something I wouldn’t even be able to deliver on if it came along.  I don’t know what people talk about. Or I just don’t think about them. Or they’re so internalized, I’m so accustomed to not sharing my thoughts with anyone that it will be very difficult for me to get in the habit of doing so when the opportunity presents itself. And maybe since I’ve spent so much of my time by myself, with myself, thinking about myself, maybe I don’t have much skill at actually relating to others.  I don’t know.  That’s not the point here anyway.

My point is, I turned outward again.  I think it started when I sent that drunken e-mail to NM.  I don’t regret doing that, I think it was a good experience.  But what followed was that old panicked need to Not Be Alone.  And as nice as it would be to Not Be Alone, I can’t count on that happening anytime soon.  I have to focus on enriching my life as it is, not as I wish it might be.  I have to take care of myself now, do the things I want to do now, because Now is all there is.

I feel a bit better just typing this.  Honesty.  Works wonders.

It should not be this hard to fucking find a friend.

 

Not sure why I feel so sad & lonely lately.  Just part of the cycle, I guess.  It’s not fair that I get crippled like this sometimes.  But that’s the card I was dealt, and it’s no use bitching about it.

 

It’d just be nice for someone to care.

Ain’t too proud to craig

Just kind of out of curiosity, I posted an ad in the “platonic” section of my local craigslist a couple weeks ago.  I got replies from… 4 people.  No one actually wants to have tea and scones and watch MST3k, which is pretty much what I said I wanted, but a couple of them, at least, might have some potential.  I also replied to two ads from other people.  One responded, and we’d been exchanging some pleasant emails.  Actually, of the people I’ve been interacting with from this, he seemed to have the most potential to be a solid friend down the road.  Alas, it all came to nothing.  We were discussing maybe going hiking this weekend, and then he sent me a note basically saying he’s not really in the best place right now, feels kind of like a loser because he’s currently unemployed and feels like he needs to focus on getting himself on some kind of track.  So that was kind of a bummer.  I met one of the guys who responded to my ad for a couple drinks yesterday.  He seems nice, though a bit awkward.  I had one woman respond.  She seems pleasant enough but no real rapport developing.  One of my jobs this evening is to respond to her latest email, and another guy who I suspect I won’t have a lot to talk about with but ya never know.

 

That’s all I got right now.

The last 36 hours

Had brunch with NM.  It’s funny, maybe it was just getting stuck in football game traffic, but about halfway there I was thinking, “man, I don’t really wanna do this.”  When I got there I was feeling pretty cool, probably feeling wounded by the no-shows Saturday night.  He was not nearly apologetic enough for my taste.  I admit I slipped into a little passive-aggressiveness.  And the man TALKS, let me tell you.  It’s funny, I was totally into him for a few weeks, even up to a few days ago, but listening to him talk over brunch was downright painful.  I appreciate a talker, but he just fills every moment, and I don’t have time to slip in if there does happen to be a break.  Funny how I didn’t seem to mind at first.

Anyway, we walked around the neighborhood for a while after that, then as we were about to get into our respective cars he started: “I don’t want to seem like a total jerk…”  (sidenote: it’s not jerky to be honest vis a vis a prospective relationship) so I said, “Go for it.”  He continued “I don’t really see any longevity in this…” To which I agreed emphatically.  I really, really had to pee or we could have chatted longer about how it wouldn’t work to drag it out any longer.  But yeah, after brunch and after-brunch conversation, I was also pretty much done.  As soon as he said it a light sort of went off in my head like “Bingo.”

This doesn’t mean that my subconscious didn’t process it like any other rejection.  I got home completely exhausted and promptly fell into bed, which is what I do when I’m unable/unwilling to process something just yet.  Ended up staying there the rest of the evening and through the night, then got up for work as normal this morning.

Here’s when it got crappy.  Halfway through my commute I started to feel what I hadn’t let myself feel on Sunday afternoon.  The combination of being stood up by my one friend and this guy on Saturday, plus the perceived rejection on Sunday, brought home all those feelings of unworthiness and abandonment that I probably should have seen coming but didn’t.  I guess I thought since I’d done such a good job dealing with things on Saturday night, I was through.  But no, here it came.  I spent the first 2 hours at work sniffling and shedding tears, going back and forth between doing my regular Monday work routine and feeling completely worthless and unqualified to do my job, unloved and unlovable.  In desperation I sent my therapist an e-mail about how hurt I felt about having been stood up by my friends on Saturday night.  Not expecting any therapy back, I just couldn’t think of anyone else to share that with.

I ultimately asked my boss if I could leave at noon.  I wasn’t crying anymore by that point, but I also wasn’t getting much work done.  I came home, cried some, carved my pumpkins, cried some more, read another chapter of “The Untethered Soul,” lay down and talked to myself, closed my eyes for a bit.  Then I got up and took a shower (my shoulders are sore from the sun salutations… chataranga kicks my ass), got dressed, made some coffee (I finally got around to getting myself a French Press), repotted some plants and here I am.  Not feeling 100%, but not feeling awful.

One thing that came up when I was talking to myself was the memory of getting lost at the mall when I was 3.  I wondered if my intense fear of abandonment/rejection stems from that occasion or others like it.  It seems likely enough.  Alone, helpless, surrounded by a bunch of adults I didn’t know (trying to find out who I belong to), trying to weigh the likelihood that I could make it home on foot if I tried (it was about a mile from the mall to our house).  It’s pretty amazing to think that my intense reactions to rejection at age 30 could all stem from that one event 27 years ago.  I’ll have to remember to see what Mom thinks about that, and hopefully remember to mention it to my therapist when I see her next month.  Anyway, continuing to feel better as I type.  Thankfully.

Hardcore practice

I’ve been looking forward to having my friend, her boyfriend, and NM over tonight to carve pumpkins.  We made the plans a week or so ago and I spent all day cleaning the house and setting up the living room to be safe for pumpkin mess.

Early in the day, my friend says she doesn’t think her boyfriend will make it.  Then she says she’s feeling sick.  I shrug and keep moving.  It occurs to me that she could use the feeling sick as an excuse to back out, but whatever, she hasn’t yet.  Then in the evening she says she’s still stuck at work and also feeling crampy.  I sigh, but don’t offer a rain check, only sympathy.  Then she gets home and tells me how crappy she’s feeling and that she probably wouldn’t be much fun to be around.

A few hours before the last two text messages I read the next chapter of “The Untethered Soul.”  The chapter I needed to get me through this disappointment.  The chapter says we have to make the choice to be happy.  We have to say “I want to be happy” and not qualify it with things like “unless my friend bails on our plans.”  Am I disappointed? Of course I am, because I thought it would be a really fun night, the four of us hanging out, laughing, carving pumpkins.  I’m sure it would have been, if all the pieces had come together like I wanted them to.  But is this disappointment worth getting unhappy over?  Absolutely not.

So I told her not to worry about it, we’d hang out another time.

NM had messaged me earlier saying some family was in town for today only, so he’d be spending some time with them for a while.  I sighed.  But he didn’t say he wasn’t coming.  But since my friend and her boyfriend aren’t coming, and I know NM must have had quite a busy day, I sent him a message that I would understand if he preferred to just go to his own home after getting done with family.  I haven’t heard back from him yet, so who knows, maybe he’ll decide to come hang out after all.  But I am operating on the assumption that he probably won’t — if it were me, and I’d had as much going on today as he did, I would be eager to get back to my own home and relax.

Again, it’s disappointing.  I do feel these twinges of displeasure, victimhood, “why does this always happen,” etc.  I’m not trying to suppress them, exactly.  At least, I hope I’m not.  I’m just trying to be aware of them, while at the same time being aware that these things do not make me, do not determine whether or not I am happy right now.

One thing that’s rather nice is that I did all that housecleaning earlier.  My house it tidier than it has been in months, and even though it was motivated by the prospect of NM coming over and staying the night, the fact that that’s fallen through doesn’t take away from how absolutely wonderful it is to have a clean house!  And I made black bean hummus and the rest of that pot pie, and they are both delicious!!  And I have been entertaining myself by reading “The Screwtape Letters,” which I have never read but always intended to.  And it is quite entertaining.  And I have a fluffy kitty curled up on the sofa beside me as I read.  These are all things to enjoy and be pleased about.  They, too, don’t define my happiness, but focusing on the positive is helpful, I think.

WTF, casual male friends?

I had a kind of revelation (maybe) the other day.  Well, yesterday.  A guy who just went through a very traumatic breakup and is now in the mandatory separation period the state requires before allowing a divorce.  Like many people, he wants to start dating right away.  Or rather, because it’s a rough time emotionally, he goes back and forth about it.  But last Tuesday (a couple hours before my speaking engagement ARRRGH!) he texted me and said basically “I know I’m in kind of a messed up place right now but when I get better I think I want to ask you out.”

I didn’t respond, but then last night he texted me saying “hey, wanna go out for dinner?”  So naturally, I decided to pretend I had left my ringer off after class yesterday and only responded this morning saying, sorry I didn’t get your message but I’ve thought about it and dinner probably wouldn’t be a very good idea.  I think that gets the message across but I guess I can be blunter if needed.  I haven’t looked at his response yet. (don’t wanna!)

So the thing that occurred to me is this.  It seems that, in general, the people who I don’t care what they think about me are the ones who openly express interest in me.  This could be a coincidence and there are surely other factors involved (maybe I’m just not interested in the type of people who would be attracted to me), but when I caught myself saying that, in a victim-y sort of way (“Whyyy is it always the people whose good opinion I don’t care about who are always asking me out??”) I suddenly realized, maybe that has something to do with it.  I dunno, just something to think about.

Friendships

There’s nothing like spending a couple hours with a dozen or so people to leave me feeling a little hollow inside.

We had our monthly planning meeting for the atheist group and it was so very loud and I was surrounded and not drinking.  I was so very eager to be gone from there.  The feeling that stands out from the moment I departed was one of “I want my night back.”

I often find these meetings discouraging.  It brings out what I imagine to be the less pleasant qualities in a group of people I have only a meagre personal connection with at best.  People are unable to intuit.  They aren’t able to discern what others mean even if they don’t quite say it the way they mean it.  I won’t deny that I don’t get it right all the time, but sometimes it just seems so obvious.  But then, maybe I need to remind myself that many of these people are rather singularly left-brain inclined…. intuiting not necessarily a forte.  Studying or gaining an understanding of each person’s manner of communicating not necessarily important to them.  Maybe if they realized how much faster these meetings would go if they would just pay attention for a moment.

It feels awful to be in that setting.  Nothing so isolating as to be surrounded by people all talking, feeling no keen desire to try to get into conversation with any of them.  Feeling no keen desire to yell to be heard or strain to hear.  How I crave a small group!  If I am to be in one at all.  Otherwise, I am left with this emptiness that I have to purge from myself somehow.  A bit of Jonsi, then brush my teeth and meditate for a few will hopefully help bring me back near centered.