Tag Archive: yoga

I’ve finally reached a point where I feel I can start giving some of my hard-earned $$ to some good causes. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, but I’m one of those people who always seem to be living hand-to-mouth. But! I’m determined to change that.

So I just signed up for the bottom-rung automatic donation at Foundation Beyond Belief. A measly $5 a month, but it’s a start.  I feel good just having made that first contribution.

I’ve been pondering my dating history a little bit lately.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I just haven’t had enough practice to expect myself to get it “right”; take the most recent example, NG: it was obvious to me that he was way more into me than I was into him.  In retrospect, it would have been better to make that clear to him as soon as I noticed it, to make sure we were both on the same page.  Because I didn’t, my breaking it off came as a much bigger shock to him than it might have.  I’m not beating myself up about it — I just didn’t know any better.  And now I do.  This, I think, is the nice thing about starting to date young.  I didn’t do that, so I’m having to learn these things now.

It’s nice to have this little awareness.  Kind of a mini-breakthrough in awareness.  Yoga + meditation ftw?  Maybe.


more about sex

I never ever imagined I would be the kind of person interested in casual sex.  Like, one night stand fling sort of casual sex.  I can kind of see the appeal, though.  I’m well aware that it would probably be a bad idea since I seem to become emotionally attached (see “Limerence”) without warning and my only attempt at “Friends with Benefits” was disastrous because of it.  Sometimes, though, I think about it.  I think, maybe I can hook up with that guy from yoga class.  I think he’s a bit younger than me, seems rather nerdy, we probably wouldn’t connect on any meaningful level.

I suppose I should acknowledge that I have had a glass of wine.  It seems to have an aphrodisiacal influence on me when imbibed in moderation.

I like to make up words sometimes (ie aphrodisiacal. it makes sense. maniac:maniacal; aphrodisiac:aphrodisiacal).

I have the distinct impression that my (hypothetical) future partners would benefit from my being a little more aggressive and confident in bed.  The fact is, though, that I have such meagre experience in that field that I kind of want to see what they want to do and just go along with it.  That’s been the trend, anyway.  I’m not aggressive sexually.  I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.  Thinking about my sexual partners to date, I rather think we would all be a bit better served if I start to express myself a bit more where that’s concerned.  It would serve me, too, I suppose.

I wonder how unusual it is to be 30 and wondering what, exactly, my sexual tendencies are.  I’m not a great experimenter, and I haven’t got enough hands to try anything that really strikes me in the moment; what I have imagined is that I will coit with someone with whom I feel comfortable enough that we can explore our preferences together.

Tomoyasu Hotei’s cover of hide’s “Rocket Dive” just came on my iPod (set on random).  I haven’t heard this song in forever.  So much fun!  I love this cover.  That is all.

Dialing back the meds

Just a quick note, I started at 75mg Effexor on Sunday.  I had been at 150mg.  I’m a little worried about dialing back right now because, in the time since I began seriously considering this change, I have fallen into a little bit more of a funk than I had been.  I haven’t really felt like cooking for days.  But I am going to go ahead and try this, supplementing with yoga and meditation.

Vinyasa Flow Yoga is proving to me just how pathetic my upper body strength is.  I think my arms are okay, but my chest muscles are woefully underdeveloped.  I spent about 10 minutes on a 30 minute “Intermediate” level video and had to quit.  My arms are still trembling.  This will be good for me.

I identify a lot with the story of Sisyphus.  I suppose if we all examine our lives, we would all recognize something of that futile struggle in our own experience.  But in dealing with mental illness it’s especially easy to feel.  You push the rock up the hill all day, every day.  Then it falls back down to the bottom and you have to go back to the start and begin pushing all over again.  Certainly when I feel depressed (or in med withdrawal *coughThursdaycough*) the idea that the entire pursuit – of life, success, happiness, whatever – is futile is a pretty alluring one.  What’s the point of striving, of bothering with any of it, if at the end of the day the rock rolls back down and you’re back where you started, feeling like shit.

From a slightly less negative angle, a slightly more experienced angle, my experience is now more like “two steps forward, one step back” or some variation thereof.  I’m not charging forward, blasting through all impediments with my warriorlike will.  I stumble, I fall, I get back up again, but always looking forward if not quite able to move forward on my journey toward mental health.

Today I went to yoga in the park – my second time going, the first was last weekend – and this evening I went to a Soto Zen meditation group.  I believe both of these things can/will be good for me if I keep up with them.  We’ll see if I do.  It can be so hard to keep up the momentum of a positive weekend and carry it through the week and into the next weekend.

This Wednesday is the 4th of July, Independence Day in the US, so I plan on grilling some tofu and other veggies for my main meal.  I made whole wheat flatbread yesterday afternoon and I found a recipe for soy yogurt that can be made using only store-bought soymilk.  I have wanted to try making non-dairy yogurt for a while now but it seemed like all the recipes I found started with “make your soymilk.”  That will be fun and exciting, and if it works I will have delicious yogurt to eat my delicious homemade granola with.  I love food, and I am trying to incorporate that love into my journey.  So often I complain to myself that I have no great hobbies or passions; food comes very close, so I will try to harness that in as meaningful a way as possible.