I recognize that I’m developing a limerent obsession with NG. It’s not really surprising, since that’s been my MO for, well, basically my whole life. I do want to try (somehow!) to steer myself in a slightly healthier direction for this one. The way to start is by recognizing those feelings when they arise and trying to determine whether my fretting is actually constructive or if it is just frazzling and making me sick with anxiety. I suspect that it will turn out to be the latter more often than not.

Case in point: I invited NG to join me in hanging out at my place last night with a couple I am friends with. NG doesn’t drink (I hate to think what excessive carb intake would do to his drool-worthy physique) but he tolerated the three of us tossing back Blue Moons with orange slices. (as an aside: note that he showed up, having no apparent reservations following my suicide confession which I stressed about incessantly all Wednesday) I had a good time, and I think he enjoyed himself pretty well. So this afternoon I texted him just saying “Thanks for coming over, it was fun,” you know. And the first line of his reply was something like “I definitely saw a different side of you.” Now, because I obsess about these things, my first thought is, naturally, “different side? what does that mean? Was it a good side or a bad side?” Actually I do feel that this is a perfectly natural reaction to that kind of vaguery and I can only think that either he’s teasing or he is unaware that a statement like that would drive any normal person crazy. Given what I know of him so far, it really could be either.

So. Rather than wasting my time worrying that somehow the me that I project when hanging out with friends has turned him off completely (which is, really, quite an irrational thought) I am telling myself, you know what? maybe he does see me a little differently now. If he did somehow decide that that was just too much for him, okay, then we’re not as compatible as it initially appeared and we move on, no harm done. (do I really believe I won’t be super bummed about it were that scenario to play out? no, but it’s making my day easier, ok?)

And then of course there’s the fact that the rest of the text from him was a reference to one of our more explicit encounters so from that I think I can safely assume he’s still interested.

The power of logic! Wild stuff.

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