Archive for April, 2011

Status update

I’m gonna be upfront and admit that as of beginning this post I have had 2 mojitos, which in this house means at least a shot and a half of rum each time.  Which is enough to get me pretty tipsy so I make no guarantees as far as grammar and spelling go.

Randomly, and right after BF left to hang with a friend, I felt the urge to masturbate, and helped myself along with some good old-fashioned smut.  Haven’t done that in a while, it was… well, I can’t say “fulfilling” but nice nonetheless.  I should point out that my libido is usually in the negatives (I blame the Effexor) so this is quite an occasion.

It feels too much like a Friday to be Thursday.

I think, since my last session with my therapist, we have decided to slow down the pace a little.  At first I seemed very capable and fairly healthy (?), but the last 2 or 3 sessions have been harder, like I’m slipping back into some of the old patterns, or just crashing into the same old walls I always run into eventually.  I think it kind of surprised her, the other week, when I was so much more fragile than usual.

This tends to happen periodically.  It’s like the wave of self-help crests and falls, and for a while I’m back to fighting myself again.  But it’s OK, really.  Right now (I feel tipsy, remember), I feel able to face these issues, this low self-esteem and whatever else.  The more moments like this that I have, the easier it will be for me to remember this feeling when it matters.

Kitty is totally kneading my side.  Ow.


Free Association

This evening was my second time following BF to The Happening — an open art session that encourages participation by all.  I have accepted that I am not a visual artist, but the event has brought out of me an interest in free association.  Two Wednesdays ago I sat and observed then uninspired/inspired began to write.  It is nonsense, strings of words that have no meaning as a whole but segments, sounds, associations give them some sort of meaning for me, at least.

It wasn’t quite as organic this time around — I am experimenting some with rhyming because I have this odd feeling of poetry even though I could tell you I am not a poet.

I’m fascinated by the fact that the disorganized activity, the synthesizer, passersby, strange smells of stale gessoed paper make it a comfortable environment for words to come not unencumbered but at least less so.

I have a vague idea of taking the whole of it at the end of a month and analyzing the prevalence of positive vs negative imagery, fantasy vs reality, thought vs action, etc.  Just to see if there’s anything to Freud’s whole free association thing.  It was Freud, wasn’t it?  I may try that.

I feel relaxed and comfortable except the usual breathing problems.  I think getting out — even if I’m not directly interacting with anyone — has more power than I have given it credit for in the past.

Doing things for Myself

I went to Tai Chi last night.  It was sooo wonderful.  I remember being kind of bored the first time I went because I thought it would just be learning “the form” and it was actually a lot of Qi Gong in the first half of the hour.  It’s so relaxing and balancing.  I can’t even get all the way through the short form but I really, really enjoy it.

That is all.

Daily ratings

When I had the follow-up meeting with my homeopathist, I realized how little I could remember about how/whether my symptoms changed over the past 6 weeks.  I realized I needed to implement mom’s plan, which was to “rank” her symptoms on a daily basis.

I drew out a little table with the days across the top and the symptoms listed down the left.  Each day (except the couple of days I have forgotten) I rank each symptom 1 to 5, 1 being the worst, 5 being the best or most positive.  It’s really pretty hard, since some days I might have a few “blue” periods but feel pretty OK by the time I get around to doing the ranking.  So in addition to that I am writing a few lines underneath the table which make note of any significant events, irritations, aggravations, etc.  That way I’m not bound just to numbers and I have some frame of reference to remind myself, four weeks down the road, why I put the number I did on any given day.

One thing I have really been bad about is exercise.  I haven’t actually done any of the 10-minute workouts since I started the homeopathic treatment, and I haven’t even been to Tai Chi in at least 3 weeks.  I am doing my best to be gentle with myself about it, but also not let myself make excuses.  I understand that there are times, and will be times in the future, when I just don’t feel like it for whatever reason.  But when I make the decision to hit “snooze” 3 times instead of getting up and doing a quick, easy exercise, that’s my choice.  And when I decide to skip Tai Chi for whatever reason, that is also my choice.  I fully intend to start back on my tiny exercise regimen this week.  If I approach it mindfully, and remind myself, “I am choosing to do this, because ultimately I will feel better about myself,” I will actually feel better about myself right then.  I know this is true because I experienced it the couple of weeks when I first started doing it.

~ namaste ~

Just keeping up

I sat down the other night and figured out how much I spend on gas and groceries each month.  I went through my transaction history and tallied up all those transactions from the last four months.  It comes to about $170 per month for gas and $300 for groceries.  No wonder I’m always broke!!

So I’m attempting to institute a kind of budget, really just some guidelines to keep me aware of what I am spending.  Now that I have an idea of how much I spend on the basics, plus rent and utilities, I feel a bit more motivated to keep an eye on what I do with the rest of the money.  The money I’ve somehow been squandering while I wasn’t looking.  A dinner out here, a coffee there, throw in some mail-order clothes (that I really like & want but do NOT need) and all those potential savings are gone.

That’s not to say I won’t allow myself to have any fun at all.  When I did all this math we had already gone out to eat with friends.  I picked up the tab for BF and myself, setting me back $30.  OK, so I just worked it into the budget.  I’m using spreadsheets a lot at work which is giving me an appreciation for how useful they can be for keeping track of and analyzing data.


This is boring, I’m gonna stop now.

Generic update

I forget if I mentioned before that I went to see a homeopathist (I hesitate to say “doctor” because I am certain she’s not an MD) a few months ago.  My mom was telling me about her positive experience with the homeopathic treatment: her argument was, well, nothing else has really worked, so what the hell, why not try it?  So I’m following her example and giving it a try for 1 year.  So far, results are inconclusive.  I am still seeing a therapist weekly and taking my effexor (like a good girl) so it’s hard to attribute any “success” to one thing or another.  I don’t feel substantially better than before, I don’t think, but maybe a little.  That’s still up in the air.

I deleted my Facebook last Sunday during my intense sadness.  I miss it a little, but not lots.  I miss that sharing, that feeling that maybe people are paying attention to me.  Even though they probably aren’t.

Been OK overall this week.  Root canal went smoothly (did I mention the root canal last post?), workweek was fine.  Last night BF went to hang with friends and I reclined on the sofa, examining my abdominal fat.  That I have so much of it really disgusts me.  I can grab it with my fist like it’s a hunk of raw meat, it’s that big and substantial.

I believe that if I dedicate myself to 1) breathing exercises 2) daily exercise and 3) improving my digestive health I will be able to mostly solve my abdominal issues.  I believe strongly that these problems are a symbol of my other emotional issues, that as my emotional situation improves, I will become better able to address the physical problems.  But there has to be a balance, because I don’t think I will really experience a sense of wellbeing unless I can get through a day without “sucking it in” — which means dealing with my breathing and getting my abs in at least slightly better shape.