On taking care of myself

Things haven’t really slowed down since my last post about feeling overwhelmed about how busy my life is getting.  This weekend flew past me like you wouldn’t believe.  The difference is in how I am approaching it.  In the first place, I remind myself that it is my choice whether I participate in so many things or not.  I do have a certain obligation to the atheist group for at least the next year, but apart from that all these peripheral activities are my choice and no one else’s.  So I can feel overwhelmed, I can learn to say “no,” or I can take a deep breath and ride the current for the time being.

This week will be pretty crazy.  Monday a few members from the atheist group are attending a lecture at the university.  Tuesday I have therapy and then plans to hang out with Old Friend.  Wednesday is the monthly planning meeting for the atheist group.  Thursday after work I head to the mountains for my oldest friend’s wedding.  I get back into town Sunday.  I may be driving up with V, but I haven’t heard from her what her plans are or if she’s even coming.  If she has decided to fly in on Thursday so we can drive up together, we’ll probably get dinner someplace beforehand.  This morning I asked NG if he’d like to join us for dinner.  I thought about inviting him to the wedding but 1) I had already sent in my rsvp and 2) I had already made my reservation at the hostel and 3) I didn’t really feel like trying to alter either of those and 4) it will be much easier to spend time with some old friends up there if I’m on my own.

sidenote: NG has tentatively invited me to join him for a long weekend in NYC at the end of May.  sounds like fun to me!!

Anyway, so while I am a bit bummed that I’m sitting at the tail end of this weekend with a daunting schedule ahead of me, I am attempting to use this time in a more constructive manner.  In the first place, I’m journaling, which tends to help me organize the chaos in my brain.  Next, I am dressed all warm and cozy.  It’s been a dreary, chilly, rainy day and wearing warm comfy is like insta-relax.  I have a hot cuppa ginger pu-erh (my current go-to warm beverage).  I have a load of laundry in the washer and one in the dryer (getting things done! yay!) and I have every intention of washing all those dishes in the sink.  I’m a little achy in my back and left shoulder (stayed over at NG’s and I think I slept funny) — after I get through with this I’m pulling out the mat and doing some yoga.

My point is that ok, sure it’s been busy and will stay busy for a while, but I do still have these times for gentle recharging.  And oh, how I appreciate them!

more on limerence

I recognize that I’m developing a limerent obsession with NG. It’s not really surprising, since that’s been my MO for, well, basically my whole life. I do want to try (somehow!) to steer myself in a slightly healthier direction for this one. The way to start is by recognizing those feelings when they arise and trying to determine whether my fretting is actually constructive or if it is just frazzling and making me sick with anxiety. I suspect that it will turn out to be the latter more often than not.

Case in point: I invited NG to join me in hanging out at my place last night with a couple I am friends with. NG doesn’t drink (I hate to think what excessive carb intake would do to his drool-worthy physique) but he tolerated the three of us tossing back Blue Moons with orange slices. (as an aside: note that he showed up, having no apparent reservations following my suicide confession which I stressed about incessantly all Wednesday) I had a good time, and I think he enjoyed himself pretty well. So this afternoon I texted him just saying “Thanks for coming over, it was fun,” you know. And the first line of his reply was something like “I definitely saw a different side of you.” Now, because I obsess about these things, my first thought is, naturally, “different side? what does that mean? Was it a good side or a bad side?” Actually I do feel that this is a perfectly natural reaction to that kind of vaguery and I can only think that either he’s teasing or he is unaware that a statement like that would drive any normal person crazy. Given what I know of him so far, it really could be either.

So. Rather than wasting my time worrying that somehow the me that I project when hanging out with friends has turned him off completely (which is, really, quite an irrational thought) I am telling myself, you know what? maybe he does see me a little differently now. If he did somehow decide that that was just too much for him, okay, then we’re not as compatible as it initially appeared and we move on, no harm done. (do I really believe I won’t be super bummed about it were that scenario to play out? no, but it’s making my day easier, ok?)

And then of course there’s the fact that the rest of the text from him was a reference to one of our more explicit encounters so from that I think I can safely assume he’s still interested.

The power of logic! Wild stuff.

And yet…

I find myself really wanting to text him, just make contact somehow.

I won’t, not today.  But I want to.

Intro to suicide

Feeling a little anxious today. Last night I told New Guy (hereafter referred to as NG) about my so-called suicide attempt back in 2003. I’d felt a little dishonest since the night I told him I was taking antidepressants and he asked if I’d ever had suicidal tendencies and I kind of evaded the question with some clever response like “well, I don’t know if I’d say tendencies per se…”
It never really occurred to me that a past suicide attempt could potentially drastically change the way a person thinks or feels about me, but when he asked that I suddenly got afraid and so I dodged. So last night I forced myself to confess.
I think it was good; he got to hear some of my history in the same way as I listened to some of his the last time we hung out. I was nervous and tried to emphasize that that me was part of a very distant past, that my focus was on positive outlook and attitude — “pragmatic optimism” was what I called it.
And he said it was good that we talked about it. I told him to feel free to ask me any questions he might come up with. By the time the converation finished (we basically walked through my life from college up to the present) it was late. He kissed me goodnight. I figure I’ll let him make the next move. I don’t know how big a bomb that really was, whether he’ll need additional processing time or what. Like I said, he seemed okay, but he was definitely still processing when I left.
So we’ll see.

We’ve been on a handful of dates, made out some, engaged in moderately explicit activities. We’re obviously into each other. We seem to be on a similar wavelength about a lot of things, about the world and society. I find his directness and unabashed honesty refreshing (I wish I could do that!). I think I would gladly take things further with him and I think he might feel similarly.
But as I said, we’ll have to see. Now that I’ve spilled the source of my anxiety onto the screen I think I can relax it a bit and do my job. And wait.

Anxiety

Dear Anxiety,

I hate you.

Love,

m E

 

I feel like shite today.  Like my circuits are overloaded I can’t. slow down enough to catch my breath.  I feel like I need an immediate vacation from myself.

Combating the ennui that was brought on in an attempt to combat overwhelmed-ness

While I’m not quite in over my head, things have picked up to the point that I’m not entirely comfortable with how busy I have been.

This includes:

• As of the end of March I am officially the new VP of the local atheist group.
• Old Friend is out of the hospital (again) and calling me, desperate to get out of the house (on the plus side, at least she’s not homeless again).
• I have a new HSV+ “Buddy” who doesn’t have a computer so I have to call her… I hate using the phone, especially with people I don’t know.
• I am slightly more involved in the local vegetarian group, helping to organize a potluck cookout that’s scheduled for later this month.

At another event for the vegetarian group a guy asked if I wanted to get lunch sometime. I knew what it meant this time!! ( proud ) And since he’s not bad-looking I thought, why not.  So we’ve been on 2 dates now and I do kinda like him. By marvelous coincidence he identifies as agnostic! He’s older, about my eldest sister’s age (Silver Fox! Woooo!); anyway we’ll see where that goes.

Anyway, with all the activity and new commitments I have been feeling a little stressed, like I want to slow down and get off the ride for a bit.  Catch my breath.  It’s manifesting in my sleep and other home-oriented habits.  I’m not cleaning up after myself as well (I keep leaving dishes piled up in the sink) and I keep hitting “snooze” until the absolute last possible minute, which leaves me no time in the morning to meditate, which means my stress/ennui keeps compounding.  Le sigh.  Guess I’ll have to start meditating in the evening until I can address my morning routine issues.  So the after-work routine should look like: get home, change into workout clothes, exercise, shower, eat, clean up kitchen, then meditate.  I need to get a bike helmet.  I need to stop scheduling things and then wish that I hadn’t.  Must get flea meds for kittehs. Must finish rearranging bedroom so I can hang my bike up on the hook the former tenant so conveniently left for me.

Must take deep breaths and not worry about having so much to do!